I'll show it to you.
I just picked up this classic fuzz pedal:
I really have gone pedal crazy since I arrived in Atlanta. I've gotten five new ones and repaired one. You would probably recognize this sound if you heard it. It has great tonal range. The Big Muff and Crybaby (wah pedal) sound great together. Wheee! I have my eye on the prize, and am saving my pennies. These little toys are just to rouse my appetite; they are little hors d'oeuvres of awesome. I'm hoping to get a Gibson Les Paul sometime this coming year.
The problem is that I don't speakee the languagee of the guitaree. I'm self-taught and play by pattern, if that means anything to you. I don't think in terms of notes but in terms of the spacial relationships between the notes. Formal instruction? Terminology? Sod it. In fact, when I was talking about my pedals, I referred to them collectively to the scruffy lad behind the counter as my "thingy, you know, the guitar thingy." "Set up?" he suggested. "If that suits you, " I replied, "And gift wrap it for me, boy. I like to open presents." Then he punched me, and when I woke up in the parking lot, I had an effects pedal the size of last year's phone book lodged in my colon. But at least I had a good time retrieving my present when I got home.
I'm not entirely convinced that the words that guitarists use to describe their sound effects actually have meanings. I have a feeling that fawning over the Ohms or whatever is the guitarist version of going to the car dealership, not having the foggiest clue about how a car works, and kicking the tires approvingly. (I also do that.)
I have decided that if you string associated guitar words together, you can make even knowledgelessness sound convincingly not-poseur. For instance, take my description of the Big Muff Pi as having great "tonal range." You can not deny that the pedal has a tone knob (see picture), and that you can turn it, getting all sorts of tones, which would be in, technically, a "range of tones". But being an English teacher, I noticed an opportunity to be more concise and use the word "tonal," which means, "relating to that tone knob." So when I said that it had "great tonal range," I really only said that I had figured out how to turn the pretty knob.
Other meaningless or misleading guitar words:
"attack"
fuzz, -y, -ed, ily
"Distortion" has a meaning, but I'm pretty sure it is the same as "overdrive," and neither of them means anything else.
"Compression" is unrelated to attack, but is springier
Springy is also meaningless.
Clean roughly means "boring."
A whammy pedal, I was surprised to learn, does not put a hex on those who disapprove of your playing.
Now, for those of you who are a little more advanced, I would point out that "digital delay" is a real thing. It is reverb. But moreso. (Somewhere right now, a single tear is running down Slash's cheek. Of course nobody can see it behind his mane, but it's there. Oh, yes. It's there. Axl, go fetch him a tissue.)
As best I can tell, most guitarists think that there are 3 parts to a guitar signal: the high part, the middle part and the low part. You can fuck with the high middle and low part selectively, or you can get a wah pedal and fuck with all three them all at once.
My next pedal may well be a Meatwad. This effect literally vomits notes at your listener.
The only pedal that does anything that anyone understands is the volume pedal. It controls how many people can hear you.
All amps are precisely the same, and the only way to differentiate between them is by price. This means you want the most expensive one. All of your better guitar players have the more expensive amps.
There. I have now introduced you to the world of guitar terminology. You are welcome.
HJ
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