Questions, musings, etc...

So, how do we know that when we smash protons together at high speeds that we recreate the conditions of the early universe? I mean, is it because at these energies we are dealing with fundamental particles here? (That is, what settles into a proton when the universe cools has to be what comes out when the universe locally heats back up. Why are protons "reversible" into the same constituent components and not into some other weird admixture of fundamental particles?)

There. My probably naive physics question of the week.

Also, what architects/styles do you like? I dig the deco and Gaudi.

For an original and striking example of the deco style of decoration, see the bank lobby at #1 Wall Street, designed by Hildreth Meiere and executed by the Ravenna Mosaic Company (I'm a secretly recovering mosaics junkie, and Hildreth Meiere is one of this country's highly recoverable treasures of interior design and mural art).

Antoni Gaudi was a Catalan architect. Early 20th century Barcelona was his canvass, and he made it his own



HJ

Cla-aaaaaaassy!

I'm sure I'm the last to report on this, but I almost whizzed my pantaloons when I saw this. This is a man who was meant for the media spotlight.

HJ

TODAY in conspiracy theory...

Yep. The Evangeliban are bonkers. This is the type of crazy that I'd been fretting over recently. It's not getting less strange at the fringes.

The idea of the Antichrist is such crappy theology anyway. I mean, c'mon people. Often in the Bible there are anti-Christs plural, not a single one, anyway. Read your fucking Bible. No. Use it for target practice.

HJ

Finding Jihad

Every so often, we compile some of our favorite Google searches that have led unsuspecting people to our website, faithfully recorded on sitemeter. We call this, "Finding Jihad," and we now also refer to ourselves in the "royal we." We are really amused.

• The Tales of Scroty Mc Booger Balls (This actually leads to me, and quite frankly, I'm a little miffed that I did not think of that first.)
• bananarama wiki ("Is it a code?")
• finding nemo will never be the same. thanks sex ed (I want to make a joke, but I feel it has already been made.)
• huge prepuce (If you know what that word means, you are really grossed out right now.)
• naked men crucified (Uh...)
• global warming deniers are fucking idiots (It doesn't matter who they fuck. It's their business.)
• ninja fight (I would give all my money to see that.)
• funny help wanted ads (Wanted: Naked men for crucifixion.)
• sonnets about pancakes (Shall I compare thee to a midsummers grand slam?)
• poems about pedophilia (Is it me, or does anyone else think that pedophilia should refer to foot fetishes?)
• do vaginas have a red dangly thing (*blink blink* That's an engorged penis, dude. You took home a man!)
• "ann coulter's feet" (Hold on. I need to vomit everything I've eaten since Kindergarten.)
• how many cases has allison dubois solved (Exactly zero.)
• bob cornuke speaking charge (Too much at any price.)
• bayonette in foot (Sometimes the Internet is creepy.)
• nude girls eating pancakes (And sometimes it's just weird.)
• children with happy puppet syndrome (I have no idea what this could possibly mean.)
• what happens to the particles in pancakes when they cook? (They gain the chemical property of fluffitude.)
• basking shark carcass ("HJHOP: Your source for basking shark carcasses.")
• fuck sylvia browne (Not with a stolen penis on a stick in the dark.)
• vacuum cleaner fucking (Did you see what happened to Adam Savage when he stuck his face in a vacuum cleaner? No. Fucking. Way. I don't want to be known as "Bing Bloody McWiener-Ribbons.")
• worst 80s hair (Oh that's easy. Women's eyebrows.)
• annular eclipse (That's when the shadow of the earth passes across your butthole.)
• will taps be at dragon*con 2010? (Let's hope so.)
• boobs suck (Boobs rule!)
• how to make the sound of a man pissing his pants (I'd say, "Take a leak with a digital recorder down your trousers.")
• is ken ham working for the illuminati (No. Satan.)
• robia lamorte's views on homosexuality (Hahahaha! I'm sorry, but how could that possibly be relevant to...anything?)
• creation museum fuck (They don't have that there. Even Eve's labia are sutured together.)
• boo imma scare you, boo minipoo (Yep. Somehow this leads to my site.)
• is rexella van impe sexy? (Only if you find alien bobbleheads a turn on.)
• how does rexella van impe look so young (Dude, you have glaucoma. I'm just saying.)
• weird military uniforms (The Durham Light Infantry are the weirdest:)

Strangest group of clearly related searches:

• viginal disease blue waffle
• blue pancakes pussy
• blue pancake penis disease

But what does it mean??!?!

HJ

Ricky Martin Says He's Gay

In related news, Barack Obama says he's black.

HJ

This week in conspiracy...abbvtd.

CBS sort of investigates current popular right-wing conspiracies. Brannon Howse also endorses the Cloward-Piven conspiracy, but only because he was born without a brainstem. There is a lot of other stuff going on there. They don't mention racism, which is absolutely behind the claims that Obama is a Muslim Kenyan Space Alien.

Does the drive to create a tellable narrative in news reporting sacrifice the uninteresting elements of chance and incompetency in how events play out? You bet your butt.

Who the fuck in Ethiopia gives a tiny, rock-solid turd about Wall Street and Social Security? I have no idea.

Shalomlife.com reports that Israeli Jews are now being accused of stealing Palestinian organs on the UN's web site. Well, sort of. It's submitted by an NGO. Apparently they have to put up everything, even goofy crap.

Was the youtube outage retaliation against Google from China? Nah.

Media Matters takes a trip down memory lane, reminiscing about violent right-wing rhetoric.

My favorite headline of the week: "Mason Lodges Open Doors to Reveal No Secrets."

My second favorite: "CIA Concludes Study of UFOs Futile--Who'd Trust Findings?"

A conspiracy theory about the Mumbai attack in mysterious and exotic India reveals more of the same shit.

You say, "potato," I say, "Fuck Fox News." From NewsHounds.

HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE AT THE HUFFPO GOT SOMETHING RIGHT ABOUT VACCINES!!!

HJ

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

Now, I was reading when the guy asked me this. On days when I don't have to work, I occasionally go over to Einsteins and get a bagel, then I mosey (I'm in the South now, there is a mosey requirement) on over to the Publix grocery store and have my coffee out on the tables in front before I go in and shop. I bring a book with me sometimes, and this is exactly what our hero was doing when the guy with a backpack came up to me and asked:

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"You just did," I thought, but I said, "Sure," because I am a people person.

"What's your definition of a habit?"

There was no peed-on odor. The hair was neat. The outfit respectable. This fucker was setting me up to preach to me, I knew it.

I have no idea what I said. I think it was something along the lines something that you do repeatedly that it pains you to deviate from, or something like that.

"Yeah," he said. "And where do you think it comes from? Bad habits?"

"You're going to tell me the devil, you fuck," I thought. "Well, there are addictions; there are behavioral and emotional disorders that lead to repetition," I said.

"Well, what is the worst habit you can have?"

"Satan worship, of course, or not praying or something stupid, I thought. C'mon, just get to the big sell," I thought. "Oh, I think that any habit that extinguishes itself quickly because it's killed you is bad. Say a drug habit."

"Drug habits are the worst?"

"JUST GET TO THE DEVIL AND HAVE OUT WITH IT! ANYONE CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING!" I thought loudly. "Well, it depends who you are, I think."

The guy was maybe 5 years older than me. He was black. He wore a cap and had a blue backpack.

"How do you think people get into them?" he asked rhetorically.

"NoT FrEaKiNg PrAyInG!!!!!!" my inner typist was pounding erratically.

"I think that it is because of a bad attitude. A bad outlook," he interrupted my inner monologue.

"Well, bad outlooks are a sort of self-fulfilling thing, aren't they? You get into one, you irritate people and then they, annoyed, keep you there."

"Yeah," he said.

"You suck at preaching," I thought.

"So, basically what I'm thinking is that the important thing is that you keep a positive attitude. A lot people I ask this question say that habits are bad. So, you fight them with a better attitude. I'll let you get back to reading. Have a good day."

That was it. He wanted to talk about habits to a stranger for no particular reason. And he did it more than once.

What a weird habit.

HJ

A long day...

I spent most of today working on my presentation for next week in St. Louis. I am giving a talk at the National Pop Culture Conference. My topic? "The Ramifications of Penguin Imagery in Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Of course I'm not going to tell you. What, do you think that I have crafted this elaborate pseudonymous life just to fart it away? Never!

But I am going to be pushing the idea behind my textbook. I am going to press my case that Buffy imagery in Ramification the Penguin Slayer is a viable and highly productive subject in a freshman class. I got some good feedback last week for a similarly themed topic, I thought. This could catch on, I think. I am going to be pushing the idea hard, I think, while I'm in St. Louis. I'll also be scoping out publishers.

Back to the podcast, folks. I'm working for ya. I just have no evidence of it!

HJ

This week in conspiracy...

Sorry about being a little late. (Ahem.) My schedule is completely off this week. Next week things should be better. But I make no promises. Also, I am omitting all of the dozens of March Madness conspiracy theories. The reason I am doing this is because they are not about anything important.

Our first item is not exactly conspiracy theory, per se, but it is strange enough. Police in Northern India arrested two men for conspiring to release bees into the crowd at a rally held by Chief Minister Mayawati. Apparently, nobody was phased in the slightest.

George W. Bush thanks 9/11 conspiracy theorists for having faith in him. From Newsbiscuit (satire).

Orly Taitz, birther, intends to run for California Secretary of State.

FoxNews: When news breaks, they fix it.

A lawmaker in Japan with bizarre 9/11 beliefs is reprimanded by his party bosses. That's nice for a change. Maybe the Republicans should take the lying racist nutjob teabaggers to task? Or at least say they are wrong?

The Southern Poverty Law Center released an important issue of Intelligence Report called "Rage on the Right." Read it.

Ground Zero of Goof, Prison Planet, "exposes" the Southern Poverty Law Center. Don't bother reading it!

Water for health care votes conspiracy? Fox can lick me.

With the republication of The Myth of Mental Illness (1961), Thomas Szasz "manages to insult everyone working in the mental health field, families of the mentally ill, women, Christians, and Jews, as well as those suffering from mental illness."

Are racist liberals infiltrating the Teabaggers to make them look bad? I've come across this one in two places (see the sidebar in the NPR article).

Lastly, a couple of reports of violence following on the heals of the health care bill. The first is from the ADL, the second is from Salon.

My opinion is that things in the conspiracy world got a little bit worse in the last few weeks. Now rightist thugs are turning to violence. Stay tuned.

HJ

An excellent NPR discussion on the mainstreaming of crazy fringe politics

A great discussion that includes the rise of conspiracy theory as...acceptable alternative to useful history. Some scare stuff in there.

Fresh Air Interview

HJ

Ex-coach Dave Daubenmire from the standing at the back looking bloated and being silly party...

...no votes.

Tea bagger Dave Daubenmire is running for Congress! HAHAHAHA! What are you going to campaign against fluoridation, you freaking wierdo! HAHAHA!

Did you see how he is fighting for "truth, justice and the American Way?" (Of course Way shouldn't be capitalized. Maybe he should fight for literacy. And harsher sentences for sex offenders.) HAHAHA! This is going to be great! HAHAHA!!

HJ

It's time for a White Supremacist Poetry Slam!

This is an occasional feature where I use my talents to give back to the community, helping developmentally challenged people with their writing. In this case it's white racists who, greasy pound for greasy pound, are the worst writers by far. Seriously, I'd rather choke on my own eyeball than be forced to read another one of their poems.

Click to embiggen.

HJ

Now is the time for the war on stupid to begin...

I say we fight fire with fire.

The "hatriot" movement is frothing rabidly over the passage of health care reform (which I can't be too happy about if the insurance industry supports it, honestly, but that's just me).

As you probably know, I spend an inordinate fraction of my spare time peeking in at the goof-o-sphere, trying to understand what could make so many people behave so irrationally and deliberately cultivate such aberrant thought. I mena, if you're insane, you have an excuse to think that the world is out to get you, but when you are otherwise managing to, say, carry on the everyday activities of life, maintain interpersonal relationships and not trying to pick the aphids off of you, I become interested, because it is not normal to posit vast conspiracies everywhere. My personal interest lies in the far-out religious right.

These are their stories.

(Dum-dum.)

A nutloaf without bound, Janet Porter is one twisted bit of girl-jerky. In her recent column, "A Nation with Blood on Its Hands," which appeared at Bible Prophecy Today, she posits that America is on the edge of national destruction.

Now, I am going to teach you a life lesson here, and keep in mind that this comes to a professional writing teacher. Do not, under any circumstance, ask a rhetorical question when you are writing an argument for a potentially hostile audience. When you are speaking, that's fine. You can control your audience's stream of thought to a degree by spacing the pauses between sentences, interrupting the thoughts as objections occur to them. It's effective in speech. On paper (or on virtual/online/digital media) your audience is in control of the speed at which your information hits them, and they can stop reading and reflect on what an idiot you are. I tell my students not to ask a rhetorical question because your audience might just have an answer.

Janet asks a rhetorical question:

What if Obama's health-care plan treats you like his secretary of homeland security did when she called law-abiding citizens "the most dangerous domestic terrorism threat in the United States" and initiated domestic spying on us?

So, what type of stunted idiot is Janet Porter? By floating out this red herring, she inadvertently brings in the instruments of her rhetorical dismemberment. I like to think of what follows as a sort of forced literary abortion. Spread em, sweetheart.

Why, oh why would someone think that you would be dangerous? Let's look at your article.

Now the enemies of freedom [...] hold the seats of power and influence within our own borders in Washington.

Wow. The enemies of freedom. You could not be more inflammatory. No, they are not "people who disagree with me, but mean well." They are not even, "Incompetent people who don't know any better." Nope, they are designing the destruction of freedom. This is the same language, you will remember, that our witless leader of yore, George W. Bush, painted terrorists with. (Of course, once I gave a paper about how the exact same language was being used in the war on "terr" as had been in every legal war we had fought. Whatever.) Essentially you are saying that terrorists are farting into the chairs of power.

You say that we are responsible for children being carved up with:

a taxpayer-funded abortionist's knife

You are such a delight. Now, they are baby-killers and terrorists. But hold on! They are even less pleasant! It's not your opening line that raises the stakes:

Crisis. Our nation has been in crisis before. From our inception we faced insurmountable odds when we fought for freedom against the most powerful nation on earth. We were in crisis at Pearl Harbor and when we faced the National Socialist Party in Germany.

It's really your second paragraph that takes the taco:

But our nation has never been more in crisis than we are right now.

Now the enemies of freedom – the national socialists – hold the seats of power and influence within our own borders in Washington

Your really just are a hateful little twat, aren't you, Janet? (The correct answer is, by the way, "Yes, I am a hateful twat! Thanks for noticing, Bing!) Even your equivocation here, using "national socialists" to mean something else entirely other than what grown-ups mean when they use it, is based on diseased thinking. The Nazis

But did you notice that she called the democratically elected representatives of this country Nazis? You're a real fucking patriot, Janet. However, it's only your reputation that you are destroying, so go for it.

Also, I would like to add that opening an article with a single word is very freshman-year. Take, for example: "SEX! Now that I have your attention, I would like to talk about health care..." You think like a child.

Oh, but let's not forget the worst bit. They are SABBATH-BREAKERS. (I'm not even fucking joking. It's coming up all over the wierdosphere.)

Desecrating the Sabbath, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and her Democratic lynch men in Congress did exactly what they said they'd do when they were voted into office. And if you sent any of them to office with your vote, you, too, have blood on your hands.

See? Sabbath breakers. Also, notice that they are now lynching. I was curious about this charge because...it's so fucking strange.

Luckily, fellow unhinged loony-tune Chuck Baldwin (who actually thinks he'd make a good president...go figure) made a similar charge:

Passage of the so-called "health care reform" bill in the House of Representatives this past Sunday, March 21 (I won't even address the inferred unconstitutionality of Congress doing business on the Lord's Day. See Article. I. Section. 7. Paragraph. 2.) drove yet another stake into the heart of America.

I followed up on this interpretation, which left me wondering, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Section. 7. All Bills for raising Revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with Amendments as on other Bills.

Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. But in all such Cases the Votes of both Houses shall be determined by yeas and Nays, and the Names of the Persons voting for and against the Bill shall be entered on the Journal of each House respectively. If any Bill shall not be returned by the President within ten Days (Sundays excepted) after it shall have been presented to him, the Same shall be a Law, in like Manner as if he had signed it, unless the Congress by their Adjournment prevent its Return, in which Case it shall not be a Law.

I have highlighted the only possible reference here. It gives no order that nobody shall work on Sundays, but even if it did (which, really? That's your argument?), it seems clear that the timeline is intended for the Executive Branch. Nice big stanky fail.

So, we have lynching Nazi terrorist baby-eating god-mockers in office, eh, Janet? How could anyone ever, ever mistake someone preaching that for a potential threat?

HJ (You can suck on that last rhetorical question, Janet, you unreflective bint.)

Let the massacre of the elderly begin! Muaha-muahha-muuaAHAHAHAHA!

I'm completely indifferent to the health bill. Have no idea how it helps me, because I don't know what made it into the final bill. I think that it is a plus for the President, but, you know, meh. I can only enthuse so much over another man's career. I have my own problems.

Today, for instance, my computer went into coma mode, a new altered state of reality that I had not seen before. Apparently it enters this state when you it goes into sleep mode and the power in your apartment goes out. I thought that it was fried, because it was not responding to either the keyboard (as it usually would) or the power button (which it fucking better). That's what scared me.

I saw my entire porn collection flash before my eyes.

Luckily, I discovered The Secret. The Secret says that if I just put positive thoughts out into the world, I'm an idiot. So I just pressed down the on/off key for about 30 seconds, and something inside the computer said, "Wow, he really wants his computer on. There's no arguing with someone with that force of will, character and charisma." That is, of course, only a rough translation.

I spent some time in the computer lab on my campus today, where a raccoon-girl who had been trached in the past (she was talking about a car accident to one of her co-workers) was very helpful and stubbornly refused to "do my project" for me. That's fine. I'm a big kid and am capable of learning, but this was haaaard (insert whine here, also foot-stamping). I was going to use Photoshop to take a stab at doing a Saint Louis Skeptics' logo for the contest, but Raccoon-Girl said that if I was doing a logo, I really should be using Illustrator. The difference, she told me, was that the little aliens who telepathically make the Illustrator program work are better at math than the hungover leprechauns who juggle pixels for Photoshop (it scales better, so you can use it at any size without pixellation, essentially). She will be there all week, presumably dousing her food obsessively in the river or rearing her kits or whatever, so she will likely help me tomorrow too. It's become an odyssey of surfaces and planes and simulated reflections. I just wanted to turn the Arch into a bent spoon. Grr.

HJ

Wake up, motherfuckers...

From the Daily Beast: a measurable percentage Republicans are psychotic.

Fuck.

HJ

Truth in astrological divination...

Finally, the only horoscope that I could ever endorse, and it comes from the Onion:

Aries The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.

HJ (Hates blogger's formatting. With a fiery passion.)

Answers in Genesis dispatches toilet paper to Haiti

Why be useful, when you can promote yourself? That's how they do it Answers in Genesis [emphasis added]:

Demand for Haitian 7 C’s Booklet

In January, just a few days before a massive earthquake hit Haiti, I had a blog item about the AiG booklets that are now available in the Haitian Creole language. We’ve had many requests for the Haitian booklet on the 7 C’s of History since it appeared in my blog and in the AiG newsletter. It is now available online (along with some other articles in the Creole language). Here is the link: http://www.answersingenesis.org/ht/

Pray that this witnessing booklet will be read by needy Haitians right now and that they will respond to the gospel message presented inside. And as we’ve already encouraged you to do, please consider donating to relief efforts in Haiti (such as Food for the Hungry’s Haiti Earthquake Relief).

It's an understandable mistake, since "Please give me a Haitian 7 C's booklet" sounds a lot like, "OH FUCK MY LAST REMAINING DAUGHTER IS SHITTING BLOOD!" in Haitian Creole.

Or perhaps you heard: "Bondye mwen! Bondye mwen! An poukisa ou lage m 'konsa?"

HJ

FoxNews: Your source for complete fucking idiots

I'm sorry, but this old clip of Bob Cornuke from the BASE Institute chafed my scrotum, big-time.

I prefer the Onion morning news program.

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
Fuck, at least we know that Friendster existed.

HJ

I haven't seen this in a while...

It makes me happy. There is some serious athleticism in this. Wow.

HJ

Andrew Snelling has a bit of a freak out...

Self-citing and self-publishing tit Andrew Snelling, from the "Answers" "Research" "Journal," is "Not Ashamed to be a Mystical Voodoo Shaman," however, I believe that the phrase he used was "Creation Scientist."

Wow. I impressed myself with the quotation mark density of that last paragraph.

As a Christian, I am thoroughly enthralled when exploring the world created by our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ (Colossians 1). As a scientist, I see so many mysteries yet to be solved.

What's with the citation? Does the Bible mention your enthrallment?

Invariably what I discover reveals more of God’s wisdom, awesome power, and His character which loves beauty and order.

Dude, you should discover confirmation bias.

Yet we also see disease, decay, and death that mar the entire world around us (Romans 8:20–22).

The Bible points out the obvious and you get all tingly in the nethers? This is how bullshit gets mistaken for prophecy and revelation.

These are the result of God’s judgment of man’s rebellion and sin in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:14–19).

Or, far more simply, the crumminess of the world was already there and someone wrote a story about it. Do you cite the Bible when you excuse yourself to take a dump? Jeez!

Fossils, for example, are testimony to the global Flood judgment (Genesis 7:19–24),

You sure "not ashamed" was not a typo?

and the different human languages are a reminder of the dispersion judgment at Babel (Genesis 11:1–9).

You are an infant, you understand that? Infantile and babyish beliefs. This is the intellectual equivalent of spitting up on yourself.

Fuck! And not even a cute baby!

WE INTERRUPT THIS RANT TO BRING YOU BREAKING NEWS FROM CNN: Bill Donohue is...what is that...my ear-piece is...yes, Bill Donohue is really fucking unpleasant! Even Jesus hates you, Bill. Possibly most of all. We go live to an opinion piece called...are you sure? Fuck. OK, we're going live to a piece called, "Criticism of Catholic Church is Unfair."

WAIT! We interrupt this interruption to report that the entire world is laughing at Bill Donohue. We now return you to our unscheduled interruption.

New York (CNN) -- The rash of stories about priestly sexual abuse in Europe, especially in Ireland and Germany, has put many Catholics on the defensive. They should not be. While sexual molestation of any kind is always indefensible, the politics surrounding this story is also indefensible.

They sure as hell ought to be on the defensive. If parishioners subscribe to the idea that the people who they have trusted to train in the ways of God and point them toward heaven are fucking children, then if the faithful are going to keep playing for that team, they better have some great explanations.

Employers from every walk of life, in both the U.S. and Europe, have long handled cases of alleged sex abuse by employees as an internal matter. Rarely have employers called the cops, and none was required to do so.

Wait...where...This is criminal rape! This is fucking the innocent! This is... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Head explodes.)

Better now.

So, if I work for a daycare provider and put my finger inside every god damned child that comes through my door, it's an internal matter (and not "internal" in the sense that that's where my finger is)? Swell. Thousands of pedophiles, and even the ones who aren't Catholic, are going to be glad that you got their back.

Though this is starting to change, any discussion of employee sexual abuse that took place 30 and 40 years ago must acknowledge this reality. Thus it hardly comes as a surprise that Cardinal Sean Brady in Ireland did not summon the authorities about a case involving a priest in the 1970s. What is surprising is why some are now indicting him, acting as if his response was the exception to the rule.

Dude, you are in denial. What part of "knowingly keeping children in danger and therefore complicit in the crime" do you not understand? I guess it's the part where the rule of law applies to Catholic clergy.

Selective indignation at the Catholic Church is not confined to Brady. Why, for example, are the psychologists and psychiatrists who pledged to "fix" abusers treated so lightly? After all, employers from the corporate world to the Catholic Church were told over and over again that therapy works and to give the offender a second chance.

*Blink. Blink.*

Just this month, Rabbi Baruch Lebovits was found guilty on eight counts of sexually abusing a Brooklyn boy. Yet the Times, which has run several stories on the decades-old cases in Ireland and Germany, never reported it. And none of it merits the kind of attention given to priests. Catholics aren't fooled.

You are comparing apples and matzo here. The Rabbi is one monster. What the Catholic Church has done is orchestrate a concerted effort to thwart justice, and this effort seems to have been exerted by entire hierarchy, up to and including the fucking pontiff.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant, which is already in progress.

...turkey baster in your ass.

Over the past 25 years I have met so many professing Christians, including scientists and pastors, who are adamant that Genesis can’t really mean God created in six literal days only thousands of years ago; they also deny that God later judged the world with the global catastrophic Flood. They claim that geologic evidences presented by evolutionary scientists and scholars (evidences that have been interpreted without the Bible as the ultimate authority) don’t agree with the Bible! [...]

Science (so-called, 1 Timothy 6:20) cannot save me from God’s judgment which I deserve as a rebellious sinner.

But, science does not claim ultimate authority! This must be why you suck at science--you don't even have a passing acquaintance with science, its presuppositions, or its goals. Andrew, take your stinky baster and leave the actual research to the big kids. You go piddle in the shallow end with the other children.

HJ (Man, the bullshit was coming in fast and furious today!)

Still Ashamed of Answers in Genesis? I am!

In the spirit of all the submissions I have been getting in the last few days, I thought that I would update my image. Turns out, I have a lot of holy shit. From bottom to top, I am standing on, God's Autobiography as told to Kitty Kelly, Bill Cooper's After the Flood (a titanic toilet floater), the Bible again, another Bible, the MLA handbook (you fuckers think you are the gods of language, you Jezebels!), the Apocrypha of the New Testament, the rest of the Apocrypha, a collection medieval myths, and against my sweaty, cheesy foot, Ray Comfort's Bowdlerized Origin.

I am so lucky I did not fall down the stairs to do this! Keep your uncompromisingliness coming!

HJ

Who's a little defensive?

Answers in Genesis, that's who!

Anyway, I can only delight in the censorship which Answers in Genesis practices on a regular basis and in their feeble attempt to portray themselves as somehow oppressed. Take, for instance, the announcement on the I Am Not Ashamed website that was forwarded to me today, which made me very happy:

TO POST A COMMENT

Due to a small number of atheist activists who have tried to take over the comments section (perhaps with the intent to crash it and take it down) by filling it with large numbers of often vile and blasphemous statements, we will be carefully monitoring submitted comments, including those in which atheists are attempting to link to highly offensive websites. We also have the capability of blocking accounts from submitting comments entirely.

We find it sad that these "angry atheists" (as they been dubbed) are highly intolerant of biblical Christianity. This is not the first time a handful of people have attempted to crash one of our sites and keep Christians from participating in Bible-honoring outreaches. It is a part of their ongoing effort to censor biblical Christianity from the public arena . Christians need to recognize the spiritual nature of this battle and stand unashamedly for God's Word -and with gentleness and respect. Accordingly, we should pray for those who oppose the Lord and His Word, and that includes praying for their salvation.

Believing that this "I Am Not Ashamed" campaign is a wonderful outreach that God has been mightily blessing and should not be hindered but expanded further, we encourage believers to forward the www.IAmNotAshamed.org link to their pastor and church friends and involve them in an effective outreach to an increasingly skeptical (and sometimes hostile) world.

The first myth that needs dismissing is that this is "outreach." This is totally a self-stroking campaign. In fact, it strikes me as a sort of public masturbation for money--there is nothing that is not for sale by AiG. But at least they are shameless.

Due to a small number of atheist activists who have tried to take over the comments section (perhaps with the intent to crash it and take it down) by filling it with large numbers of often vile and blasphemous statements, we will be carefully monitoring submitted comments, including those in which atheists are attempting to link to highly offensive websites.

I guess it goes without saying, "Fuck you," but on the other hand, I like how the group is 1) small and 2) bringing down the entire system! I enjoy the speculation into their collective motives and thereby demonizing a diverse group of people. I generally try to avoid that and I try to extend the courtesy of assuming that Bodie Hodge is an idiot and not a deceitful monster. I like to think that my website is one of the "highly offensive" ones that they are taking issue with; it only means that I am doing something right.

I like the parenthetical, "We find it sad that these 'angry atheists' (as they been dubbed)..." Yup. We done been dubbed, you illiterate subnorms. Of course the statement goes on ridiculously: "...are highly intolerant of biblical Christianity. This is not the first time a handful of people have attempted to crash one of our sites and keep Christians from participating in Bible-honoring outreaches."

Did you see that? They went from speculation about the intent of the atheists to outright assertions of fact about their intentions. This is why you suck so hard, Ken.

And yeah, [sarcasm]you are all about tolerance[/sarcasm]. What about last week's:

"Finding Meaning in Meaninglessness? Atheists Worldwide Gather to Celebrate Something They Don’t Believe In"

or the taunting but somehow triumphantly crowing

Meaningless atheism hits a touchy spot

Nice way to mischaracterize and belittle people. You positively shit tolerance. They are celebrating each other, and they have faith in each other. You suck monkey balls and think that everyone is a rotten sinner. Fuck. You. With a spatula.

Luckily, you close the interesting part of your little post have this howler: "It is a part of their ongoing effort to censor biblical Christianity from the public arena." Bullshit. You've already speculated about motives, turned into a supposed fact, and then, by banning them, bitch about being censored! Holy colossal fuck, Batman! You wrap yourself in a shroud of beleaguered victimhood while throttling dissent. Is it any wonder that you so thoroughly disgust...everyone who doesn't believe what you do?

This campaign, like everything else AiG does, has all the markings of repackaging ignorance at a price.

HJ

James Randi comes out of the cabinet!

Today, at age 81, James Randi shuffled slowly out of the closet, or cabinet, really, because he is a wee little man. Further proof that nobody is safe from the evil, gloved clutches of the gay conspiracy! Muahahaha!

Congratulations, Randi! I think that the takeaway is that nobody should be afraid of being cut off for coming out. Everyone deserves a social support network as big as Randi's.

HJ

Save the psychic douchebag!

Listen, I know that there is nothing less useful than a psychic, but utter utilitilessness should not be punishable by decapitation. Yet, that is exactly the fate of the psychic Ali Hussain Sibat, about whom I have written recently.

Please write to or call the Saudi Embassy, and let them know that punishing a psychic fraud for sorcery makes Islam look even dumber than it in fact is (but be more polite about it).

HJ

Ah, back at the mixing board, figuratively speaking.

I'm working on my audio review of Howse's debacle from a few weeks back. I have been waiting for his vlog from Atlanta to come out, because I think I'm on there and will be able to identify myself. Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING that he says is out of context or just wrong. What a sham! Anyway, the reason it is taking so long is because I'm doing the research that he has should have done before he published his useless book. He stood up there and fed untruths to people for an hour and then sold it to them...and they bought it up. Holy shit, they bought assloads.

Keep your eyes open for the podcast. I haven't started recording yet, but I will soon, probably tomorrow.

Meanwhile, the stand on a Bible campaign hurtles forward unabated. This is a special message going out to all of you lurkers out there, those of you who visit every day but, like filthy perverts, nude (except for nipple clamps) and covered in body grease, surreptitiously watch my daily intercourse with the other readers. Well, I want you to gratify my perversion for once and send me pictures of your feet, preferably standing on a Bible or other holy book. Be creative. And just think about it, as a bonus, if you anyone ever doubts you, you have documentary evidence that you have had feet! I know, I just keep on giving.

Send your photos to littletinyfeardemon at yahoo.

HJ

Bengal Cat Attack

I have been thinking a lot about Bengal cats lately, because Gavin seems to be a Bengal. It is hard to say for sure, but he has a lot of Bengaliness: the really cool stripes, the weird voice and now this:

This is not Gavin. But the idea that everything within a 3 foot radius of him must perish messily is his guiding philosophy. Take, for instance the bloody ribbons that used to be my hands.

HJ

Journal of a Writing Teacher

First Class: Attendance low. Students worked on papers with their peers. We broke early.

Second Class: Attendance lower. Students worked on papers with the peer(s) who showed up. We broke early.

Third Class: Attendance good. Asked students if they really wanted to work on papers. They said not really. I broke off class immediately. There were cheers.

I was saying to my students a few weeks ago that after I give a lecture, my audiences never seem to break out in rapturous applause, but they did when I told them that they were not going to have to listen to me at all.

Funk dat. And this mere days after after I received the following feedback from one of my peers who attended a talk about incorporating science into the writing classroom that I and a colleague both presented at. It was sent out to the entire department, which was a nice bonus.

Fellow Smarty-Pants--

I wanted to send a note about the talk organized by Kendra the Vampire Slayer today. I unfortunately had to miss the [other campus event] due to teaching, and I know many of you missed [their presentations]. I was so inspired by what I heard from Bug Girl and Bing McGhandi that I felt compelled to share.

Bug Girl and Bing both gave papers that really demonstrated how exciting teaching composition can be (it's true!) and gave specific examples of how they've managed to capture the imaginations and intellects of our particular students here at Pretty Good Univeristy. Both of their talks clearly demonstrated the potential we have as Smarty-Pants to have our students re-think science (and arguments, evidence, and claims) in ways that are quite revolutionary for them. Although I had to go teach before Bug Girl's excellent talk concluded, I'm totally writing her an email to ask her about these awesome online discussion blogs she's having her students make...

The talks were witty and smart, and reminded me of my grad schools days when I got to hear speakers several times a month talk on topics that really mattered to me. Thanks to Bing, Bug Girl, and Kendra for taking me back to that space today!

I just had to crow a little bit. Skepticism can sell, folks, this is what I am saying.

Finally I have a few days before other obligations drag me kicking and screaming back into the real world. I will be giving a variation on the paper I gave the other day in St. Louis at the end of the month, and I will be there for the next St. Louis Skeptics in the Pub, which is a fortuitous bonus. I've been thinking about the logo contest that they are having, and I actually have an image that, if edited properly (maybe morphed in with a photo of the Gateway Arch?), would work really well for a skeptical organization in St. Louis, MO:

It's a bent spoon! Get it? The Arch as a bent spoon! How about that shit? If I can get access to Photoshop, I'll have a submission for the contest during the Skeptics in the Pub thingy. Last, I finally have some time to work on the WorldviewNightmare podcast.

Neat.

HJ

Standing on a Bible Campaign

I am stunned to see how this has taken off. Thanks to a suggestion by tengrain, we have promoted the I-Am-Who-Am Is Ashamed by Your Slogan campaign from "whim" to "global movement." So far we have submissions of people standing on their Bibles from people all over the planet, and we are going to publish the best photos during the upcoming "Blog Against Theocracy" (April 2-4). Stand up for secular governance by standing on a Bible!

Please go and vote it up at reddit's atheism channel: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/bf953/hilarious_new_answers_in_genesis_slogan/

. Chat it up at atheist sites. Do a little post at your own blog. Send a spam bomb to your enemies. And be creative. We have some really clever ones so far.

HJ (loves the idea that AiG inspired this)

Looks like Bodie Hodge is writing slogans now.

Animala pointed this out to me over at the new website of the "I Am Not Ashamed" campaign, Answers in Genesis' new slogan-for-sale (seriously, it's on everything):

(Click to embiggen.)

Ah! The fruits of Christian homeschooling!

I am hereby starting my own campaign, the I-Am-Who-Am Is Ashamed of Your Slogan Campaign. It is my hope that we will show the world that we too can be ignorant, pigheaded literalists.

Send me a picture of you standing on a Bible--but only unashamedly and uncompromisingly!

Send your photo to littletinyfeardemon at yahoo.com, and we'll show Answers in Genesis who is unashamed-er and uncompromisingly-est!

HJ

Part I: "Unashamed, uncompromising atheists can stand on Bibles too!"

Part II: "HOLY SHIT! HE IS RISEN! AIM FOR THE HEAD!"
Part III: "God damn it. I know we left him right here. Fuck."

UPDATE: I am going to do the showcase of people standing on Bibles in concert with the Blog Against Theocracy (April 2-4). It was tengrain's idea. I'm all over it.

Update Within an Update: Greetings to the Pharyngulae who are swarming all over this website like some deeply skeptical infestation of aphids. (I'm reading A Scanner Darkly right now.) Thanks to PZ for the link, which is most kind.

I would be remiss, however, if I did not give take advantage of this brief moment of glory to ask visitors to help prevent a decapitation. A fucking decapitation. I know that there is nothing less useful than a psychic, but utter utilitilessness should not be punishable by decapitation. Yet, that is exactly the fate of the psychic Ali Hussain Sibat, about whom I have written recently. Please write to or call the Saudi Embassy, and let them know that punishing a psychic fraud for sorcery makes Islam look even dumber than it in fact is (but be more polite about it). I found a good letter that is appropriate:

I am writing on behalf of the "psychic" Ali Hussain Sibat, who is scheduled to be executed soon on charges of sorcery. Sibat is a performance artist, a pretender who makes money off of the gullible, and it pains me to see the Saudi government legitimize and dignify his ridiculous and demonstrably illusory stage performances with his execution. Please expel this man from your kingdom and exercise the prerogative of mercy.

HJ

Will work for money...

Hi, all. I just got word that my plans for summer employment have fallen through, and I'm going to be eating my cats to survive over the summer. I'll be talking to my colleagues to see about employment on campus, of course, but Georgia public higher education is not exactly expanding these days. I don't really have many connections in Atlanta (except for some skeptics...hm), and I was wondering if anyone had any hare-brained money-making schemes that are so crazy they... just... might... work? (Both serious and humorous suggestions are welcome. People with depressing suggestions can fuck themselves.)

HJ

I have huge balls.

I don't like to brag, but they are gigantic and made of concrete. I have decided to "wing it" tomorrow at my lecture. I am drawing up lecture notes to guide my discussion, but in direct conflict with the cherished tradition in the humanities of reading your paper verbatim in public, I'm going to improvise. We'll see how far you can go with blind, stupid enthusiasm and charm.

Like I said, my balls are huge.

Hopefully nobody shows up. I feel uncomfortable when everyone is looking at my balls.

HJ

True story...

"Get the hell out!" I yelled. My father was on the other end of the phone.

"Yep. That's what everyone says when I tell them. It scared the hell out of the nurse who was with her."

"Who did you hear it from?"

"Dr. Hilarius, a very funny lady, and she tells a good story too."

"How did it happen?"

"Well, the woman who was in labor had a bit of _____, you know, so her eyes bugged out a little bit, like Barbara Bush."

"Her eyes bug out? I never noticed, but then again I can't look at her face directly."

"The patient was getting oxygen. The mask was over her face and it pulled down on her eyelid, and her eye popped out."

"That's foul."

"That's what I thought. So the nurse called the opthamologist on call, and he said it happens a lot. You just pop it back in. You can put some anesthetic drops on it first if it hurts."

"That's still so foul."

"They said that the woman caught it."

"Stop."

HJ (going to wear goggles from now on)

It's official. I'm almost as musically talented as a zebra finch is on the guitar.

This is a pretty cool little bit of modern art, I have to say.

All that's missing is a bunch of Robert Palmer girls bopping mindlessly to the beat. Maybe a bunch of woodpeckers head-banging.

Also, the fucking finches have a better guitar than I do.

HJ (via David Dobbs at Neuron Culture.)

Maybe if I pee on the VLA radio telescope, Jodie Foster will love me!

I just watched the movie Contact for the first time since I saw it in the theater, and, wow, what a turd-burger. I'm sorry, but I'm giving a lecture tomorrow (well, tomorrow by the time you read this) about the novel, but there is nobody in that movie who is not bad. I understand the changes that a fan must suffer through in order to see their favorite books translated to the screen. I went through 12 stages of grief when they put Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide on the big screen and they put Arthur and Trillian in a relationship. But this Palmer Joss and Ellie Arroway made me barf a little. Oh, and all of the acting was nightmarish. Nobody looked good.

But, I did have a moment of nostalgia during the movie. They seem to have filmed at the Very Large Array radio telescope in Socorro, NM. I once peed on that telescope. True story. Well, not on the telescope itself, but one of the things about having a line of radio telescope dishes is that you increase the wavelength that the telescope can detect. (I don't know if they ever went through with the plan to coordinate radio telescopes globally so that we had an earth-sized dish, but you get the idea.) So, if you want to imagine that the dish of the telescope is really whatever is along the diameter of the array of scopes, my peeing on the ground put me well inside that dish.

But I really had to go.

Oh, apparently the Very Long Baseline Array is a real thing. I've peed on that one many times too.

Hey, don't you judge me. I drove a long way to see the VLA, and they put it in the middle of this huge basin with mountains all the way around and not a place to piss for miles. Also, I have a bladder the size of a peanut, as anyone who was at the Atlanta Skeptics Meetup last week can testify to.

At any rate, I must cut this short. I have class in the morning and need to get my 5 hours of sleep. Also, I have to pee.

HJ

Bing sees his opportunity...

Oh, yeah...

HJ

Peter Graves Dead. Is Peter Graves Alive?

Clearly, it's the beginning of the end of Peter Graves.

Peter Graves Conquered the World:



HJ

This week in conspiracy...

Conspiracy abounds this week. Actually, there is a lot of abounding when it comes to conspiracy theories. It's almost as if we can't unabound when it comes to conspiracy theories. Indeed, I seem bound to abound with conspiracy and it's bound to put me in a bind.

I could totally tongue kiss Barbara Walters for putting the hurt on Jesse Ventura, novelty governor:

Useless media whore Uri Geller is saying the Michael Jackson may be alive. I, of course, actually scooped Geller on this, proving without a doubt that I am more psychic than Uri Geller.

Dick Armey, sponsor of numerous right-wing think tanks (I would say a load-bearing strut of the Tea Party Platform), gets huffy about his folks' inane central bank conspiracies, etc.

Glenn Beck picked up a hilarious new sponsor, which leads me to believe that market research indicates that Beck's audience is batshit.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Survival Seed Bank
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care reform

Oh, and Obama's going to ban fishing, dickhead Beck says. Oh, and he got temporarily out-crazied by a lefty conspiratorial fondler of other men's bottoms.

Wow, Jesse Ventura has been aggressively making himself look like an ass this week, on both The View and on Larry King Live.

You can't unstupid someone, Georgia professor finds.

ThinkProgress has a montage of the weird speculation surrounding textbook revisions in Texas on Fox.

Did we talk about the new conspiracy that the CIA made French people the way they are, you know, high on LSD?

The Belfast Telegraph has clearly been bombed once too often. They are discussing the merits of moon hoax conspiracies.

The Guardian covers the non-controversy over Shakespeare's identity.

HJ

UPDATE! It seems that they have lost James Brown's body. This is, if he was ever really dead.

Oh yeah! Phil Plait reported that McCarthyism is getting rehabilitated in the new Texas Social Studies standards. And he followed his original post up, I see.

It's 7:48 already?!?

I mean, c'mon! I just woke up! (Atlanta Skeptics in the Pub went a little long, heheh.)

I finished grading for tonight, and I am contemplating my next move in the war against my ever-dirtying collection of clothes. I'm thinking of washing them.

Wash time is a very special time for der Bingle, because it is one time where I am in a sort of self-imposed exile with nothing to do but a little bit of work. I usually bring a paper or something that I am working on to pass the time. Tonight, however, I think that I am going to bring along a book and prepare my class for tomorrow. Or maybe not. I don't know. I might just take a walk around the neighborhood and catch up on some of my podcasts. That would be relaxing. I have a lot of stuff to do in the next couple of days. And I was just given an extra bonus project, giving a 3rd paper (actually a poster presentation) in as many weeks. This means that things just got a little more hectic, and I did not think that was possible.

Anyway, over the next few days, I am going to be disappearing down a hole that I dug for myself. Wow, there is so much to write.

HJ

Hey, Bill Donohue, why so quiet?

Professional bigoted victim Bill Donohue of the Catholic League is strangely quiet in the Pope's complicity in protecting child-fucking priests. What's wrong, Bill? Have you finally seen the light? Finally realize that your misguided crusade was completely bonkers and that your pontiff deserves a prison cell instead of a house-that-is-a-city?

Probably not.

I like the big conspiracy story that the Vatican is spinning. Dude, it's wrong. They are corrupt. Infallibility, inshnallibility.

Who does the Pope confess to?

HJ

Texas, something is wrong with you...

I'm not even going to talk about the ransacking of history by idiots hell-bent on making the Texas Education system a laughing stock.

I'm talking about this.

HJ

It came from the deep...of my ass!

Roger Corman is still at it. I had no idea. I would have figured that some cinema student would have gunned him down by now. It's called "Dinoshark." Dinoshark. Dinoshark. Nope, can't make it sound respectable to myself.

Ouch. That's what happens when you give Corman a budget. He wastes it.

Honestly, however, I like Corman movies for their goofiness. I never got past that ironic smartass phase that teens go through, so I can watch something completely crappy and eek immense pleasure out of knowing I could do it 10 times better without trying. (Isn't it nice when you don't have to put up?)

For all the agony he has inflicted without consequence, he has been instrumental in the careers of a number of big names. Also, where would MST3K have been without Corman to kick around? I am actually sort of pleased that he got an honorary Academy Award last year "for his rich engendering of films and filmmakers." No matter how you slice it, the man is a presence.

HJ