Dear God, please flood Kentucky
Kentucky is a horrid place, and if Perky Skeptic did not live there, it would be complete loss. Like Texas.
The folks who brought us the Creation Museum and pseudoscientific freak shows like Georgia "The Amazing Thud" Purdom, Jason "Skillet-head" Lisle and Bodie "Mercifully the Last of His Species" Hodge, are going to build a "life"-size ark to Biblical dimensions. It really should not only put a nail in the coffin about whether or not representatives of all the species in the world would be able to fit into such a structure, but seal it in a 2-foot thick lead liner at the bottom of a 12-foot hole in a river valley upstream from where they are building a new dam.
The people who are erecting this goofy enterprise will, of course, not see it this way.
Governor Steve Beshear, when asked at the announcement of the project about Kentuckians' constitutional rights, that is, the separation of church and state (in Kentucky, about 2 city blocks), totally shit in his hand: "The people of Kentucky didn't elect me governor to debate religion," Beshear said. "They elected me governor to create jobs. That's what we're doing here, and that's what we're going to continue to do" by giving some $36 million in tax breaks to a religious organization.
Wrong answer, dude. You were elected and swore to uphold and defend the Constitution. Also, strangely, not to duel:
I do solemnly swear that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this Commonwealth, and be faithful and true to the Commonwealth of Kentucky so long as I continue to be a citizen thereof, and that I will faithfully execute, to the best of my ability, the office of Governor according to law; and I do further solemnly swear that since the adoption of the present Constitution, I, being a citizen of this state, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this state, nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God.
Yep, that's the actual oath. That has to be the best oath in the nation. And it gives me an idea. Muahaha. Muahahahaha! Muaaaaahhaaaahaa!
Anyway, while I work on that impossible dream, I thought I would comment on one of the more peculiar aspects of the statement released today by Ken "The Bearded Lady" Ham on his blog, Monkey Business:
Last year, a CBS News survey revealed that finding the remains of Noah’s Ark would be the greatest archaeological discovery of our day. It stated: “CBS’ 60 Minutes news program, in conjunction with Vanity Fair magazine, recently conducted a web survey asking which archaeological discovery would people want to be made next. The response: Noah’s Ark (43%), Atlantis (18%) Amelia Earhart’s plane (16%), Nixon’s lost tapes (13%), and Cleopatra’s barge (5%).”Well, if you can't legitimately discover a boat the size of a baseball stadium on top of a fucking mountain, you might as build your own. It's just like the real thing, you know, only that it would exist. Also, what's with that strange list of archaeological discoveries? Cleopatra's barge? Really? America gives that much of a shit about it?
Anyway, while the discovery of an ark would be interesting, you need to be very, very careful about the implications. OK, someone goes up a mountain and finds a huge boat, filled with frozen animal shit of all species all over the world and a little plaque that says: "Noah, the first member of the mile-high club. Except for the rabbits, who are filthy abominations in the eyes of the Lord who chew their cud." (That last bit is in the bible. Oops. Biology fail of appropriately epic proportions!) This would be extremely interesting. But it doesn't mean that Jonah was swallowed by a sea creature. It wouldn't mean that Jesus rose from the dead or that he even existed (my opinion is, he may have lived and probably did, but so what?). It wouldn't mean that there was a garden of Eden. It wouldn't show that King David slew a giant. In short, even if you could come across such a remarkable discovery, you would still not have anything beyond, "Hey, big boat on a mountain built by Noah with frozen animal doody, kind of like that Bible story." And that's it. You can't go beyond the evidence. And, in the absence of any evidence that there was or could have possibly been a global Flood, you would in fact have to look for something other than a global flood to explain it. The evidence for a global flood would be, well, global, and it's just not.
Perhaps the reason why people think that it would such a big find is because it is so unlikely and improbable? Me? I would be jazzed to find, say, a variant of the Beowulf manuscript. That would rock out. Or a large collection of scrolls rescued from the Library at Alexandria or perhaps the works of Socrates. Wouldn't that be great? Or the female orgasm! (THANK YOU! I'll be your 1980s stand-up comedian all week! Tip your waitresses.)
The media has asked me many times: “How did you find such qualified and talented scientists and artists?” My answer has been:
"Talented artists? Where?"
“Just as God brought the animals to Noah and they boarded the Ark, the same God of the Bible brought talented people to Answers in Genesis for such a time as this: to build the Creation Museum.”
And now we are getting downright creepy. First, whenever the media is mentioned by Ken Ham, they are always "misrepresenting" him, not slobbering all over his feet. Secondly, if that was all the Almighty could muster, in terms of well-designed traffic flow at the Creation Museum, yikes. Thirdly, are you going to collecting artists two-by-two in breeding pairs? Last, clearly Ham is starting to reach the crazy grasshopper-eating stage of his prophetic calling.
Of course, Ken asks for money. You can buy beams and planks in the ark. Ham says that the Ark will cost $24.5 million dollars that could go to clothe naked porn stars, wash the homeless, research diseases, or whatever. Nope. All going to a creationist playground. The whole project, according to CNN is $150 million. That's a lot of clean homeless people.
This is another blemish on the already spotty face of Kentucky, and I for one am glad that it will be found in a state that nobody takes seriously.
HJ
Seed Newsvine
10 comments:
bite me
Please don't lump together everyone in KY. Many of us are appalled at the absurdity of this whole fiasco and you can be sure the Governor will face all of us when re-election time happens. There are already some major revelations about where research for research for this project originated and lawsuits of various types. If you look just a tad bit harder, especially in the metro areas of Lexington and Louisville, you'll find a strong intellectual and skeptical community.
I hope they use only the technology of that time, and one old guy with a couple of sons to fell the wood, make planks out of the trees, season them, etc etc. Keep track of the man-hours and all that. This will be fun! We'll actually be able to measure it & see how the animals don't fit! And watch people stand in it, and yet still believe what can't possibly be true. Although, Bing, bad shot about Kentucky. I'm afraid the first commenter has a valid point this time.
I left this on the 'technical problems' section of AIG Contact Us: "It doesn't seem to matter which page I'm on in your site, every time I click on a different part of the site all I get is a bunch of garble on my screen. For instance, any of the pages dealing with The Flood or The Ark seem to be saying that it was true, though there isn't any physical evidence, anywhere, of a world-wide flood. Your 'Support' drop-down menu doesn't have an option for this, so I thought it might be technical. I hope you can help me with this. BN"
Dear Kentucky,
After much learned consideration, I have decided that the state also does not have a self-deprecating sense of humor, which is another flaw. :) I consider Lexington and Louisville to be bastions of reason, sort of like the inner perimeter holding off the zombie hordes. We are sending an airlift to get you out.
Truly, what you are seeing is the sharp edge of an inside joke between me and my roommate. When we went to the Creation Museum last Christmas, between the museum and the state border there were exactly zero rest stops. Perhaps they thought that most of the shit in the state could be found at AiG. So, perhaps my deep seated animosity toward Kentucky is not so much about Kentucky itself, but that it actually made me glad to be in Tennessee.
Find it curious that nobody is defending Texas, which I would like to see returned to Mexico.
HJ
But, we can keep Austin, right?
And the Ransom Center. But other than that it's nothing but stupid hats and belt buckles.
HJ
Well, here's an easy test.
Figure out how many specific types of creature there are in the world. After all, each specific species was fully formed by God immediately prior to the illegal immigrant angels landscaping the Garden of Eden, right?
(I mean, if you're saying that there were "root animals" and all the various species came from them, that means evolution might be possible, right?)
So, figure out how much space those animals take up. (Not to move around and be healthy, just to stand there motionless.) Is this boat big enough?
And then to feed them for 40 days and 40 nights? How much space does the food take up? Because otherwise, those zebras are just lion chow.
(You could also figure out the weight of all these animals, and the displacement issues for the boat, but that might be too close to "science," huh?)
So Noah was a rich man. How else would he have been able to build an ark for the equivalent of US$24million? Quelle surprise!
But it doesn't mean that Jonah was swallowed by a sea creature. It wouldn't mean that Jesus rose from the dead or that he even existed (my opinion is, he may have lived and probably did, but so what?). It wouldn't mean that there was a garden of Eden.
It's their binary thinking. If the Bible is right about one thing, it's right about everything. If you commit one sin, it's as if you committed them all. You're either wholly innocent, or wholly guilty - saved or lost. There is no gray or in-between.
Find it curious that nobody is defending Texas, which I would like to see returned to Mexico.
I've been saying it for some time. I understand the Mexican government would actually like to have it back - still considers it having been taken illegaly - but realizes the futility of complaining about national borders this late in the game. I say give it back to them. In fact, give them Oklahoma as well, Texas' developmentally challenged little brother. Hell, give 'em the whole damn South; it isn't as though we're using it for anything important. As long as they'll take the fundies along with it, I'm game. As you say, we can airlift the liberals, academics and anyone else with a couple of neurons to rub together.
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