Dolphins and teleportation. No shit.

There are no words to describe what I am looking at right now. At least no words that I would feel comfortable using for at least the last 15 years, because the first phrase that comes to mind is, "Holy shit that is the gayest thing that I have ever seen in my entire life." Before you jump all over me for using the "g" word, please know that when I was 20 or so, I dropped the disparaging g-bomb in front of someone I did not know was a homosexual and holy shit did I feel bad. Rotten and crappy. We were good friends, I think, after I crawled and scraped and was all meager and rotten for a while.

But holy shit is this gay.

It's the Dolphin and Teleportation Conference and...I can't think of how someone could be more of a perfect flake than to take this seriously. Except perhaps organize a dolphin and teleportation conference.

Every profession has its conferences. I imagine there is a big dry cleaning conference somewhere each year. I imagine that Dolphin Teleporters are very busy. (At any rate, all the firms that make up Big Dolphin Teleportation just want to protect their monopolies on Dolphin Teleportation.) Nonetheless, five dolphin teleportation experts will presumably beam in instead of showing up in a car or something.

Andrew D. Basiago - Time traveled to Mars
Alfred Lambremont Webre, JD, M ED - Martians on Earth
Laura Magdalene Eisenhower - Mars recruit
Jean-Luc Bozzoli - Inner-Spatial artist
Joan Ocean, MS - Dolphins & Windows in time

Andrew Basiago, apparently, has a fucking Tardis. And Laura Eisenhower, really related to the former President (Ike's great-granddaughter), believes that Alternative 3 is real and claims to have been approached to participate in the Mars colonization project.

The schedule seems to be laid back (centered to emulate the crazy):

We will join the dolphins in the gentle warm waters learning directly from them while experiencing their unconditional love.

And then we will come together in a beautiful oceanside setting to share our personal experiences and to hear the actual life stories of time travel to Mars from our expert Speakers and co-leaders with Joan and Jean-Luc. Their story is one of synchronicity and divine guidance. Living in different parts of the northern hemisphere, these people were unexpectedly brought together to complete a specific task of revealing galactic civilizations other than our own, to Earth's population.

Their story of how they came together and what they were tasked to do, will amaze, inspire and then comfort you. It is a reminder of the greater world that works within us in a benevolent way when we are willing to step forward without fear of reprisals, and without prejudice and judgment.

At this Symposium, we will be deeply touched, while immersed in love, appreciation and inspiration.

Wow. Gay as the daffodils. Coincidentally, right next to this description is a picture of a woman who is about to be deeply touched by a dolphin:

LOOK OUT, LADY!

The dolphins, people, do not give a shit. Really. They want tuna. That's all. If you don't have tuna, you are worth fuck-all to a dolphin. If you teleported into the presence of dolphins they would not be impressed. Unless you had tuna. And then they would use you until your tuna was gone and then ignore you.

Joan Ocean, by the way, is the one organizing this, I think. She has goof coming out of both ears. Take her Sasquatch page, which begins:

Did you know that Sasquatch can:

Read
Write
Shape-shift
Project Their Voice
Create Infrasound that affects the environment
De-materialize at will, or cause you to have an experience of lost time so you think they de-materialized.
Travel 300 miles a day on foot.
Live in well-lighted underground facilities
Contact and live with Star People
Tell us about our past and our future.
Have lived here longer than the human race.

Fuck. You have transdimensional, underground civilizations hanging with aliens. (I had to make sure that "star people" were in fact extraterrestrials. I thought they might be what crystal children grow into.) It looks like they may be responsible for lost time of alien abductees. The number of well-defined conspiracy narratives and abductee reports are all present. And you thought New Agers weren't able to apply Occam's Razor!

Anyway, I can't go. I'm going to the "Squirrels and Bounding Conference" outside of Boise this spring. I can't be in two places at once...unless I skip MLA and go to the "House Cats and Bi-location Conference" over winter break! Score!

HJ