This Week in Conspiracy (8/2/10)

St. Vitus, the occasionally pissed-off saint, has forced me to dance a little jig until I summarize the week that was weak.

• J'accuse, Mssr. Orac! You are in on the conspiracy!
• PROOF! Loon and conspiracy nutter Gordon Duff (100% disabled veteran, including mentally disabled, apparently) killed Osama bin Laden.
• Well, paint my ass in watercolors. Iowa's Republican Platform starts off with this charming quote from Cicero:

“A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. The traitor is the plague."

No, Cicero, a nation cannot survive its ambitious fools. Who is this traitor? It is left undefined. I will assume that it is me because it could be me. It could be you, too. The Guardian has a nice commentary on this called: "The Planet Formerly Known as Iowa."

• At Veterans Affairs, again, Dr. Ashrat Ezzat, whose name is a really shitty Scrabble hand, says that looking for thermite is standard procedure--when an entire city has seen a building get hit with a fully-fueled airliner. That Danish donkey douche who claimed to have found nanothermite is cited.
• Russia, where the Weekly World News is the daily paper, is worried that there are climate weapons aimed at it. HAARP is mentioned. Russia, you are retarded.
• Pakistan clamps down on conspiracy-peddling television, which, ironically, is an actual conspiracy to control information. Funk dat.
• Conspiracy spoof: "Chelsea Clinton to have Satanic Wedding"
• Oliver Stone Caught In Bed with Mel Gibson!
• Palestine Telegraph: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OBAMANAZIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
• Glenn Beck: Still a moron. And glasses don't make you any more intelligent, you cum stain.
• Glen Larson: You can almost hear the poop sliding down his overalls. I'm willing to bet they are overalls.
• Was Shakespeare Jewish? (Answer: Probably not.)

That's all I have for right now. What? I'm not a machine!

HJ