"A Butterfly Effect of Bullshit"

That is how I described the workings of my brain this morning to my boss.

Some background:

Last week, I gave my apartment key to a colleague who took care of my cats while I was out of town. He dropped it in my mailbox in the departmental break room yesterday, and today I was going to pick it up. For the last two mornings, I have not been able to lock the door when I have left (though Animala is here to lock things up when she wakes up).

So, I'm up early this morning and I know my apartment key is going to be waiting for me in the break room. I go to the shelf where I keep my keys, wallet, mp3 player and sunglasses, like I automatically do every morning. When I pulled the mp3 player off the shelf, my keys were sitting on the headphone cord and fell off of the shelf.

Somewhere in Georgia, a butterfly farted.

I faced the front door as I picked up the keys and thought, These [the keys] won't help me with that [the door]. I don't need them.

I put my keys on the shelf, walked outside and was careful to pull the door tight behind me.

I walked over to Einstein's Bagels for breakfast. It's across the street, and as I trudged across the road I noticed blue flashing lights and yellow tape at the top of the hill. Cops, I thought, but it did not register yet.

I got my usual and the folks inside joked with me about getting my bagel and coffee to go. I was an hour later than I usually am (hey, it's summer), and I was not sure about the timing of the bus at this hour, which I did not want to miss. As I walked up to the bus stop, the fact that there was yellow tape across the road and that police cars were blocking the road started to sink in. Hm. My bus can't get through. Will they detour? There is a good chance they will detour around the entire block, which I have seen them do before. I should not wait here and take the bus directly into campus. I walked back across the street and considered taking Animala's car. As I crossed the street, the same bus that I take came from the other direction, finishing its route.

I knew that I could easily get to campus by going in either direction. Usually it's a straight shot on the bus from Einstein's to my office building, but I can take the bus in the other direction to a train station and get pretty close to campus. I can catch this bus and not worry about whether or not the other one will pass my block by, I thought.

Somewhere off of the east coast of Africa, a low pressure system was growing.

I climbed on and the driver, the one with the rat-tail, greeted me. I took the bus to the train station, and almost immediately caught the correct train. I got off near campus and waited for the bus to take me up the hill. I could have walked, but I was already feeling the heat and humidity. I was wearing a sport coat and a light blue shirt that would show sweat. I decided to stay put and wait for the air-conditioned bus.

For over half an hour. Baking and sweating the entire time as the morning air grew warmer and warmer. I had a meeting, and as the time passed, I got madder and madder and increasingly uncomfortable. I could see the shirt soaking through and tried to will the bus into arriving. It didn't work. All I could think about was getting to my office and sitting in front of my fan to cool off a little before my meeting. When the bus finally arrived, it was a mere 2o minutes before my meeting. I climbed on board. The driver, the one with the rat-tail, greeted me, looked again, shook his head and laughed. I realized that I could have spent the entire time on this air-conditioned bus. Damn it.

I walked to my office building and went straight into the bathroom to clean myself up a little. Every swear occurred to me at once when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like I was leaking from all the seams in my shirt. I wiped the sweat from my face and got a wad of paper towels to use as a handkerchief. I thought of my little desk fan and blasting it for the remaining 15 minutes before my meeting. Maybe it would do some good.

I went to my office and reached into my pocket for my keys....FUCK!!!!! I LEFT THEM AT HOME! FUCK!!! Flinging my sport coat and briefcase at the door did not at all help. I stomped around. And went to the break room to at least get my key...FUCK!!!! IT WAS LOCKED! AHHHH!!!

Somewhere in Central America a hurricane was slamming into an underdeveloped country not yet recovered from the last disaster, and sink holes were opening up into which mudslides were sweeping entire cities, killing tens of thousands.

So to recap: I could not get into my office to cool off or into the break room to retrieve my apartment key, which all but guarantees that all of this will happen again tomorrow.

Because I am clever.

HJ