Wow. I can't believe I spent money on that.

It's a strange job you have when you can write off your subscription to the Fortean Times as a business expense. Nonetheless, that's basically where I find myself right now.

I am about $68 deeper in debt because I splurged on a stack of paranormal magazines, as well as a John Edward and Jenny McCarthy book that I found in the bargain bin at Borders.

I picked up a copy of Super Consciousness: The Future of Human Potential. As best I can tell, it is a magazine for aspiring mega-flakes. The cover? A golden haired child in white photoshopped to be walking on an oil slick. "Educating the future," seems to be the headline that goes with this photo. This is one (pick a unit) worse than "I believe that children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." There is also an article about "How to Become a Super Athlete," which struck me as potentially useful for my evil purposes. The rest of the mag seems to be devoted to interviews with people for me to laugh at. Dr. Karriem H. Ali, MD (ever notice how people who are pushing pap have to paste a degree to their name at every opportunity, as if it made what they said better?) writes, "Ultimately everything is spiritual; poetry is etheric; mathematic functions are transcendental, imaginary and esoteric." (People who believe poetry is etheric, by the way, usually write shit poetry.) Karriem, let's do an experiment and find out how imaginary mathematic functions are. Let's put you in a car, a nice safe one, say, a Volvo, and then bump that car at 1 mile an hour into a concrete wall. You get out, have a laugh and climb into another, fresh Volvo. We take the "imaginary" equation V_n=2V_n-1, and use that to calculate the next speed your new car will hit the wall at. So, the second collision will be 2 mph, the third, 4 mph, 8 mph, etc. We continue doubling the speed of the car until you admit that the equation is not limited to the realm of the imagination.

Jeez.

I got a copy of the magazine UFO, which promises to be awful, if for no other reason than there is an article called: "There really is a Vulcan Death Grip." Bitch, there isn't even a fake Vulcan Death Grip.

Jeez.

I picked up a copy of World Explorer, perhaps that most confusingly laid-out magazine that I have ever encountered.

I got Jenny McCarthy's book, I Really Am As Thick As a Concrete Elephant: An Idiot's Failure at Motherhood. It is so wrong that the words "Jenny McCarthy" and "New York Times Best-Selling Author" ever appear on the same cover. It cost $5 too much.

I got a John Edward's Crossing Over: The Stories Behind the Stories, which cost $3.99, only $10 too much.

I picked up a copy of TAPS paraMagazine, which I imagine is like the Para Olympics in that only severely disabled people participate in it. It should be TAPS specialMagazine, but enough of that. It has, of course, the worst headline on it's cover: "The Resonance Factor: Does Reality Have an Infrastructure?" Know what they words mean before you start putting them next to each other, you tufted titmouse of tedium.

The Fortean Times features, proudly for some reason, "Ghost in a Bottle: How to Trap a Troublesome Spirit." Turns out: cheese. Who knew?

Lastly, I picked up the Sedona Journal of Emergence. Yep. "Journal of Emergence." At the bottom of the cover, it reads, "INSPIRED INFORMATION from beyond the focus of the Earth to guide, teach and help you now, as you awaken to your natural self and your natural talents and abilities." I have no idea what the fuck any of that means--and I do language professionally! I'm a languineer. Anyway, the cover story is "Will there be a phony ET invasion of the Earth?" This is a conspiracy theory with roots that go back to a British TV show that I can't remember right now...I want to say the late 1970s. Basically the idea is that the Illuminati Elite Freemasons will fake an invasion and seize our civil rights. I find this unlikely. Also, there is an article from a woman who claims to be channeling Jeshua ben Joseph or the Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus. Anyway, this entire mag is devoted to people chanelling their personal mental illness. Can you believe it? Jesus. Used to write Bibles. Now publishing in the Sedona Journal of Emergence.

I have months of fun reading ahead. Kill me.

HJ