Thursday, April 30, 2009

I knew Bodie's job couldn't be earned...

Nobody as bad at their job as Bodie Hodge could possibly retain employment by means of competency. There has to be another explanation. Seriously, I have wondered while reading Bodie's blithering inanities for the last year or so, why do they keep letting the 4th stringers field the hard questions? This week, however, clarified the issue.

Now I don't give a flying fuck about the personal lives of the people I write about here. I really don't. But when Ken Ham announced the birth of his grandchild this week and revealed that the kid's full name was "C---- Bodie Hodge," suddenly a lot of stuff made sense, especially Bodie's undeserved job security. He can't be demoted to dino poop-scooper without causing family tension!

Clearly, the Hodgester is married to his job. Literally. I mean, I couldn't be 100% certain that that was the case, but if you compare the photograph of Bodie on the creation wiki to the guy who Ham identifies as the presumed father of C-----, you see that it's likely the same person. Same chin weasel. I will say that Bodie has cleaned up rather nice. His Creation Wiki picture has a greasy, first-generation-out-of-the-trailer-park quality to it (or possibly a first-generation-back-in-the-trailer-park quality). So, the "regular guy" look is an improvement.

I offer C----, who I really hope becomes a huge success one day, the big secular hello penned by the humanist Kurt Vonnegut in God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, which I mumbled over my neice and nephews when they stormed onto the scene and which I was pleased to hear that my brother had offered them too when he met them:

"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."
HJ

New favorite article title...

Obama Positioning For Backdoor Gun Control by Chuck Baldwin

Is it just me or is that completely homoerotic? ("Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!")

HJ

This can't be right...

From the Associated Press:

"The United States confirmed its first swine flu death on Wednesday, a Mexican toddler who visited Texas with his family and died Monday night in Houston. Thirty-nine Marines were confined to their base in California after one came down with the virus, a mix of pig, bird and human genes to which people have limited natural immunity."

Seems to me someone needs to talk to their editor.

HJ

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Georgia Purdom flings some more shit...

I'm not scientist. I have an interest in evolution because it is so staggeringly elegant that it evokes a sense of aesthetic pleasure. When I see a creationist impersonating a scientist like Georgia Purdom of Answers in Genesis does, I feel it is my duty as a responsible citizen to tell that creationist to get stuffed and to put them in their place. Today, I feel like adjusting my argumentative style. Georgia totally drops the easiest question imaginable and it is the title of her article: Are Humans and Chimps Related? The only answer, of course, is "Does the Space Pope's semiannual molt contain comparatively high polysaccharide levels?" Of course it does!

Georgia's answer is "the Bible makes it clear that chimps and humans are not related." Nice fucking waste of a degree. She lists a number of differences between chimp DNA and human DNA:

  • The amount of chimp DNA is 12% larger than what it is in humans.
  • The 2–4% difference in the genomes is actually millions and millions of bases (individual components of DNA).
  • In many areas of the DNA sequence, major “rearrangements” seem apparent. These account for perhaps 4–10% dissimilarity between humans and chimps.
  • Chimps have 23 pairs of chromosomes and humans have only 22 (excluding pairs of sex chromosomes for both species).
What she suggests, but actually can't say because someone with the barest education would call her out on it, is that these are somehow arguments against relatedness. The first two statements are completely immaterial and in no way rule out relatedness. Indeed, the similarities are still completely overwhelming. The last two are related and confim common ancestry. Selection works on what is already there. A single error in copying, that is, a single mutation, can rearrange long snippets of DNA. What you are saying, Georgia, is that you can get long sequences of rearranged genes by a single mutation. This actually is a feature that allows evolution to work faster! Yay! Let's hear it for inversion, translocation and duplication! (Indeed, most of the differences between the species are duplications, that is, the result of replication of what is already there. Yikes!) Also, while the chimp may have an extra chromosome pair, you are being ridiculously dishonest by not pointing out that it seems somewhere along the ancestral line, two chromosomes fused together: the remnants of that "missing" chromosome (or as you say, millions of base pairs) can be found in human DNA!

Suck it down, you strange failure.

HJ

Bill Wilson: "Jesus would have closed the MexiMerican border."

Bill Wilson is recently one of my favorite reads. This is not because of anything intelligent he has ever said. It's not because of his innovative use of a limited vocabulary. I think that it has something to do with the way he believes God told him not to use the name Barack Obama in his articles. You see, I look at Christian websites in much the way David Duchovny looks at porn; I have a problem, and the weirder, more bizarre and less coherent a fundie rant becomes, the more turned on I become. I feel so dirty.

Bill penned my favorite response to the flu yet, an ongoing failure to understand public policy, epidemiology and international relations. Truly breathtakingly bad. The first draft of this literary abortion is called: "Government Says No Effort to Stop Swine Flu Through Border Security." It's freaking great! On the 27th, when the article was "published," Bil boldly asserted:

The Federal government is putting Americans at risk by not shutting down the border with Mexico during the swine flu epidemic. The Center for Disease Control says that over 20 Americans in five states are infected.
OK, Bill? That means it's already here. You are showing up late to the goat-fuck, bucko.

Border security is usually equated with undocumented illegals. There is no evidence that undocumented illegals are bringing in the flu.

Shutting down the border is a bad idea for a couple of reasons. 1) Good luck. We haven't been able to do it while we're healthy. Sounds like a huge investment in futility at this point, imagine how that will sap the nation's ability to response when, 2) the flu will come in through any other country that it has already established itself in. It's inevitable. While Bill clutches his stupid hat in his in his end-times bomb shelter loading his khakis in fear, the world goes on. We would have to not only discontinue commerce with Mexico, but with EVERY OTHER NATION ON THE PLANET, YOU SIMP!

Ahem.
Already the World Health Organization has warned countries around the world about the flu, saying the outbreak in Mexico and the United States represents a "public health emergency of international concern." After deliberating for days, the Department of Homeland Security has declared a national health emergency in the United States. The declaration, DHS says, will allow the federal and state governments easier access to flu tests and medications-whatever that means.
Whatever that means? What part of easier access to flu tests and medication do you not understand? They are dispatching medication from the stockpile so that it is on hand when and where it is needed--this is active preparedness.
Roughly 12 million doses of the flu vaccine are being released from federal stockpile.
I have not heard that they are distributing vaccine, which would seem daft to me since it is a new strain for which no vaccine has been yet developed (though they are working on it). For this reason, I suspect that as in so much else in life, Bill, you are just wrong, wrong, wrong about that one.
It is unclear whether the feds will mandate the vaccine be given to the citizenry. Still no word on shutting down the US-Mexico border.
Meanwhile in an unrelated thought...

Yesterday, Bill went completely batshit and pressed his case that...oh, who the fuck cares?

"Federal Government Negligent and Culpable in Swine Flu Deaths" is the title, and even though Bill has had 2 days to reflect on how the flu spreads, he is still a thundering fuckbucket:
The Federal Government should be held accountable in the court of law for deaths of Americans due to the swine flu. Knowing of the disease before it spread to the United States, the Feds failed to shut down the border with Mexico, stop flights from Mexico and quarantine those who had come down with the flu symptoms.
As of today, we would need to shut down all commerce between the US and Mexico, Columbia Chile, Canada (close that border, motherfucker!), New Zealand, Australia, Spain, France, Scotland, England, Denmark, the Czech Republic, and Israel (I'm sure you'd support that last one, Bill! Heheh.) Do you see where this is going? Since you enjoy closing borders so much, why not quarentine Texas (please!), Kansas, California, New York, Indian, Michigan, Ohio, the Carolinas, and New Jersey? Oh, Illinois too. Forgot about Illinois.

So, instead of diverting resources to failing to realize Bill's quixotic dream of universal sterilization, the Feds are deciding to put resources where they would be most usefu: getting resources in place to respond to the inevitable.

Bill quotes CDC head Richard Besser:
"I fully expect we will see deaths from this infection. . . We are dealing with a new strain of influenza, we're dealing with a strain of influenza that appears to be moving through our community."
And he follows up with:
The government refused to take the necessary steps to protect its citizens.
Bill, you badger's pizzle, of course people will die from the flu. We have deaths from all strains of flu. 36,000 people a year die from the flu. It would be unprecedented to not see deaths from this flu.
Napolitano believes because the swine flu was already in the United States in very small numbers, that closing the border down and further isolating the swine flu was a bad idea. Her reasoning is that there is no benefit in closing the border because you can't contain the spread of the disease anyway. That's like having a couple of thieves robbing your house and instead of calling the police, you call the county jail and ask if the sheriff can open the jail and send more thieves to your house. Because of this negligence, many believe the government is purposely allowing the swine flu into the US so it can impose mandatory flu vaccinations on the population. [emphasis added to accentuate the strangeness]
What?!? Are you shitting me? Are you fucking kidding me? When did this become an antivaccination rant? What's your evidence, you fucking wierdo?! What purpose could that possibly serve? Seriously, pull your head out of your ass, Bill.

Somebody cough on Bill, please.

You know what, for his contribution to public policy, I'm awarding Bill Wilson a seat on the Short Bus! You should feel honored, Bill. I usually reserve seats only for people who threaten to sue me. Congrats!


HJ

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The worst academic sentence ever...

You know, I try. I will read whatever there is on...whatever interests me at the moment. Right now, it's conspiracy. I will, so help me, even read postmodern critiques of culture because buried in the baby babble one can occasionally find, perhaps, something useful.

Not so with Patrick O'Donnell's Latent Destinies: Cultural Paranoia and Contemporary US Narrative. O'Donnell's book arrived yesterday in the middle of a big shipment from Amazon. Oh it was bliss. I also got Mark Fenster's Conspiracy Theories: Secrecy and Power in American Culture, Timothy Melley's Empire of Conspiracy: The Culture of Paranoia in Postwar America, Robert Alan Goldberg's Enemies Within: The Culture of Conspiracy in Modern America, and Michael Barkun's A Culture of Conspiracy: Apocalyptic Visions in Contemporary America, which is going to be my first read, now that I have wrought the unfortunate consequences of unbridled optimism.

Here is the sentence that made me put down O'Donnell's book:
"Indeed, The Truman Show enscenes the birth of paranoia, and although it is questionable whether Weir [the director] had the Schreber case in mind while assembling this Bildungsspiel in a bubble, certainly the film bears significant traces of Freud's classic study of paranoid personality: a son trapped in his father's 'womb'; a god-son on whom the world is entirely centered, convinced he must destroy the world in order to gain ascendency over it; a son (s-o-n) whose actions cause a change in the movements of the sun (s-u-n), and whose relation to the father is one of bondage and eventual release as he exits out the backdoor (the symbolic asshole) of the world whose purpose he has just sundered at film's end."
The titanic inanity of this sentence is the stuff of legend.

First, I object to the nonce word "enscene," the use of which ought to entail mandatory caning. Second is the notion that "Even though nobody associated with the movie even gave a thought to Freud's completely overrated....everything...I'm still going to suggest with a straight face that one contains traces of the other." (Just because two completely seperate ideas can be forced into a gramatically correct sentence doesn't mean that they ought to fall under the jurisdiction of the same end punctuation!) It's not paranoia in Truman's case, it's just close observation. Random German word. Spelling out words you just wrote out to make a lame pun, Man-wombs. And then the symbolic asshole! Of all possible things, the last thing this sentence needed was a parenthetical symbolic asshole. Could we possibly see the parentheses as a contracting sphincter squeezing out especially ridiculous shit? Hell, why not?!

Maybe there is something useful in O'Donnell's book, but I'll never know. He lost me at page 4.

HJ

Victoria Jackson is a Fatuous Fuckwit.




HJ

Mexican Jumping Flu Hits My Classroom!

A student collapsed today while giving a presentation in one of my classrooms.  I did not see it happen, and by the time the instructor came out to inform me of the student lying prone on my floor, an ambulance and the campus security service had already been called.  Response time? About 7 or 8 minutes for the fire department, less than 2 minutes for campus police.  I was impressed. When they told me that the ambulance was coming, I was out the door waiting for them to arrive. I was going to wave them through the right doors and quickest stairwells.  I watched the campus security force pull up, open gated parking lots, secure a fairly direct path to the student.  They made barriers disappear fairly quickly.


While what was described to me was a seizure, the FD thought that it was a diabetic episode.  I figure if nobody yells, "Stat!" things are generally OK.

HJ

Irony Deficiency Leads to Conservatives' Anemic Sense of Humor...

A new study out of Ohio State of viewers' reactions to the Colbert Report reveals that...well, read the abstract:

This study investigated biased message processing of political satire in The Colbert Report and the influence of political ideology on perceptions of Stephen Colbert. Results indicate that political ideology influences biased processing of ambiguous political messages and source in late-night comedy. Using data from an experiment (N = 332), we found that individual-level political ideology significantly predicted perceptions of Colbert's political ideology. Additionally, there was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements. Conservatism also significantly predicted perceptions that Colbert disliked liberalism. Finally, a post hoc analysis revealed that perceptions of Colbert's political opinions fully mediated the relationship between political ideology and individual-level opinion.
Wow. Confirmation bias, much?

HJ

Monday, April 27, 2009

New Florida Vanity License Plate Contest!

Here are the rules:

You get 7 letters. Up to four on the left, three on the right of Our Lord and Enhanced Interrogation Victim. My entry is below.


It occurred to me that you would might not want to have a murdered rabbi on a license plate in a state where there are so many former New Yorkers. It might only reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes about the South.

Put your entries in the comments.

(BTW: I know you are offended. I do not care. Heehee.)

HJ

Ooh! I thought of a great new name for the flu!

The Mexican Jumping Flu! (tm)
Has a nice ring to it!

HJ

Why the flu wins...

I did a little experiment today. Today at my computer cluster, where there are 40 PCs used pretty much all day, I wondered if it would be possible to keep the keyboards sanitized. I see this as something I should know. So, I broke out the Lysol and haunted students all day like some type of creepy janitor. I wanted to see if I could keep everything they were likely to touch clean. I mean, what if there was an outbreak of a supernasty flu bug? Few things are more scary, really. The flu moves fast and mutates like a motherfucker.

So, in the interest of public health, I did my little experiment, and what I found was that I was pissing on a forest fire. Seriously.

The flu skips blithely from host to host on droplets coughed, sneezed or otherwise expelled or excreted by those disgusting, farting mucus bags I like to call "other people." It can be in the air or it can be on your hands. There's nothing you can do about catching a cough in your face, but you can identify things that people put their snotty, phlegmy fingers on. When I started looking at all the surfaces that a student was likely to touch while in the cluster, I realized how enormous the job of sanitizing these surfaces would be. Unreal. Keyboards, mouses/mice, light switches, doorknobs, desktops, the backs of computers--and that was before they started hacking gobs of green slime onto everything in sight!

So, I had what can only be described as a moment of epidemiological clarity: The only way to keep a computer cluster virus free is to keep it people (and apparently pig) free.

This makes a certain amount of sense. I remember reading that The Great Influenza book, and what struck me was that the towns that weathered the storm best were the ones that took extraordinary measures to stop people from coming into contact with sick people. For instance, the ones that quickly closed off all of the theaters/churches/gatherings of any size whatsoever faired better than the towns that took their sweet time about it. Towns that quarantined themselves before anyone got sick could remain entirely bug-free.

So, don't worry. We're all going to die! Yay!

HJ

"It's the End of the World as We Know It..."

"... and I'm having flu-like symptoms."

Yep. Well, clearly, the end is here. One of the few things that I do worry about is a flu pandemic. Infectious disease is a bitch, and the flu can really be bad news. I read a book a couple of years ago called The Great Influenza, which paints a vivid portrait of the 1917-8 Spanish Flu (actually a Kansas Flu) epidemic, which swept away 50 million people globally, including a relative of mine (my grandmother's elder baby brother).

For all those punk-ass motherfuckers who don't think that evolution is real, I ask them to avoid hogging the all the flu vaccinations since this outbreak clearly can't happen, but vaccinate your kids, for whom there is at least some hope.

I am spending the entire day sanitizing computer keyboards. Damn it.

HJ

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Chronicle of Higher Education Bobbles Ball Badly

That was very weak, Chronicle. Really quite horrid and unprofessional.

OK, some ding-a-ling professor goes crazy in Georgia (eek!), gets postal with it at a community theater reunion, and The Chronicle of Higher Education reports it. All of this is to be expected. Except that the Chronicle, in the absence of real information, went to RateMyProfessors and used anonymous screeds from students as evidence to fill out a picture of this guy.

(Source: RateMyStudents...Yeah, I'm using them as a source.)

I get the Chronicle's news feed, and I remember seeing that and thinking, "Oh, very shabby."

But that was not all. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, RateMyStudents.com has been updating its site constantly about this story. They noticed that after a flurry of criticism over using the RMP testimony, not only had the Chronicle taken that section of the article out, but they had also silently removed all criticism of the Chronicle for doing so. This included one of my comments. Also, commenting has been completely disabled. Very, very, very poor practice.

Please, in the spirit of accuracy, of Chronicle, rename yourself The Palimpsest.

Pathetic By the way, this is the person you need to write to to let them know how badly they have botched it. editor@chronicle.com

HJ

"They're not my kids. Stop talking to me."

That is what I wish I had said.

Yesterday, I was in the cheap seats. The really really cheap seats for Thomas and Friends Live! Way high nosebleed seats. My feeling was that my niece and nephew are 4; they don't care where they are sitting; they get to see Thomas. So I purchased a pack of $18 seats. We were about as far away as possible, really.

Up with us was a couple with their foster son. Their teeth led me to believe that they did not have much in the way of worldly possessions, but they were doing what they could to keep him happy.

Suddenly, and completely by accident, I found that I had been invited into a group the existence of which is completely beneath the radar of those of us who do not have children. A Trystero-like organization which I never could have imagined: the Secret League of Parents. What it is is an ad hoc social circle comprised entirely of people who have their own children. Members of this group come and go, but its structure is flexible and fluid by design--kind of like the Irish Republican Army, it is so decentralized.

At first, I thought that I was merely sitting next to a chatty woman who felt completely at ease announcing that her son had ADHD to a complete stranger. I nodded as if I really knew what the hell she was saying, or as if she were speaking the gospel truth about parenting. This went on for about 10 minutes, then the seats around us started filling up with more families. She started talking to a hot little mother in the row below us, and they hit it off splendidly. They were busy exchanging platitudes like it was machinegun fire. Soon, their kids were playing together and off running up and down the stairs. The parents seemed fine with this, and the group of children and parents began to grow. And I suddenly realized what was happening...the parents were distributing responsiblity for their children among themselves, affording themselves a few minutes to socialize. Because I did not offer my children up to the cause, the mother dolphins knew that something was wrong, and I was excluded from the pod. Their Spidey Sense had told them that I was not one of the group. I had possibly stolen some children, they probably guessed, which was sort of the truth--I had only borrowed a pair of twins for the afternoon. At any rate, I did not crave the company of others with children.

Anyway, I wanted to make a note about a show that I am starting to enjoy way too much. It is a BBC production called Top Gear. Holy crap, is it amusing. It's hard to describe but, "larking about" seems to cover it. You have 3 middle aged guys and a silent, completely obscured "tame race car driver" known only as "the Stig." They review high performance cars on their private track (best line ever: "[D]riving most super cars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. [Driving the Audi R8] is like...smearing honey into Keira Knightley.") They put celebrities into sensible cars and have them race. And the producers have them do the most insane challenges. For instance, drive to the North Pole. Yeah! Or across Africa in something without 4-wheel drive. Or across the English Channel in a truck. And they really do it! Amazing. And they are so funny--constantly ripping into one another or, say, putting large amounts of meat into each others' trunks to try and attract lions while they are in a nature preserve, for instance. I strongly encourage you to look up this show. I hate cars. I love this show!

HJ

Saturday, April 25, 2009

To think those poor actors once had dreams...

When I think of hell, I shall always think of children's theater. At least after today, I will.

I took my niece and nephew to see Thomas and Friends Live, which was appearing in St. Louis today. The plot:

The world's least entertaining circus ends up somehow on the Island of Sodor ("Sod" for short). It consists of exactly three performers: a conspicuously prancing strongman, an acrobat whose only trick is to spread her legs very, very wide, and a clown who all but begs to be shot in the face by me. Somehow, before the show, Thomas has already fucked everything up by not delivering the letter from the circus announcing that they were going to arrive on Sodor. This causes the grotesque mayor to fret and bitch incessantly.

Meanwhile, Thomas the Train, whose arrival on the stage was marked by the rapturous applause of children, is by far the most disturbing thing ever to appear on a stage anywhere in the world. His face is only partially animated and he sort of drifts around the stage as if he has suddenly had a bout of amnesia. He is a hollow, vacuous train engine whose highest aspiration is to be useful, teaching children everywhere to aim extraordinarily low; most of the children who were there, I think, have heard that call loud and clear.

It is difficult to establish a paradigm by which to understand the festive horror presented on stage several times a day. Thomas is a bewitched monstrosity, whose status as a being is frightfully uncertain. For instance: consider his anthropomorphism, his very basic emotions, and his ability to communicate. At the same time, people climb into him, apparently to drive him. Does Thomas have free will? At times, he seems to be a sort of disembodied consciousness: at one point, when he breaks down (oh, did I mention that the circus performers are transporting depleted uranium rods in heavy lead shielding through Sodor on their railcar?), he is not sure whether some part of him is broken. It turns out that a very important part has snapped clear away, and he is uncertain of the status of his integrity! It is almost as if he is in the body but not a part of the body. I wonder, is he meant to be some sort of haunted machine, to which an independent consciousness has fleetingly attached itself, but not in such a way as to be organic to the train engine? Scary stuff that.

Anyway, for some fucking reason, the entire island of Sodom decides that the best place to have a circus is a ... farm. Sigh. Of course, in a desperate attempt to save the audience from having to endure the circus, Thomas almost fulfills a purpose when he has an accident that kills numerous farm animals. But no, the show must go on, as everyone on stage never stops reminding us. And when it goes on, you are left wondering if really it shouldn't have.

Personally, I was sort of aroused by the newsgirl, who was supposed to be much younger than her ginormous, jiggling snoobs betrayed her to be. That damned show lasted well over an hour an a half. My neice and nephew got antsy after 20 minutes, and I had to yank on their choke chains a few times.

Seriously, I have my doubts whether or not an actor could even put this down on their resume, even if they wanted to. Don't get me wrong, these were people who had voices and could do a little soft shoe, but would they want to have their names attached to this script? Hey, they're actors. They're working. Good 'nuff.

HJ

Friday, April 24, 2009

Controlling Jackie Chan

You know, I think Jackie Chan kicks ass as much as the next guy, even if he only speaks really afwur Engrish. I don't know exactly what he meant and I don't know the full context, subtleties of translation, or any one of staggeringly important factors at play in interpreting his statements, but I think there is something to be understood here that I'm not hearing anyone talk about, and it has to do with the psychology of people who live under repressive regimes.

One of the chief controls of a repressive regime is control of the media. The most successful totalitarian systems have kept a tight hold on what is said, and it uses those modes of cultural transmission of broadcast to send messages that support the regime: it is the essential self-serving function of a repressive regime. At the same time, there is a reason that this sort of control is so important to a repressive regime, and that is because repetition, regardless of the quality of a claim, makes propositions more acceptable. Let us take a close analog to what Chan is saying.

In Russia, there is a widespread belief that Russians need a strong leader. Indeed a good friend of mine from the land of nesting dolls and babushkas recently said that she supported Putin because, despite the fact that his political opponents are dying horribly and often.

Utterly bonkers. She was raised, however, behind the Iron Curtain, and I think a lot of the repetition of the inane mantra that Russians are incapable of self-governance has worked its way into her fundamental belief system in much the same way that "freedom" has worked its way into mine (I just happen to be a lot more right than she is). What his comments suggest to me is that the Chinese nationals alive right now have very little experience with self-governance, and this is, let's face it, staggeringly obvious. This is the type of thing that we would expect from with a long history of oppression, and should not really shock anybody. i mean, he's wrong. But there are reasons behind his asinine, fatuous, and pig-ignorant statement.

HJ

Great Reply to a Book-Burner (Randi Forum)

A big shout out to joobz for this one. Oh, by Shatner's bouncing bollocks, I chortled mightily when I read this one:

When they burned Atlas Shrugged,
I remained silent;
I was not a douchebag objectivist.
Then they Burned up Joyce's Ulysses,
I remained silent;
I was not a douchebag Lit major.
Then they burned The DaVinci Code,
I did not speak out;
It totally Sucked and was written for douchebags.
Then they burned Dianetics,
I did not speak out;
I was not a douchebag rich actor.
When they burned the Watchmen,
I was like, "Hey What the EFF!!! That book's awesome!!!"
And there was no one left to speak out for me,
because they were all pissed that I kept calling them douchebags.
HJ (w/mandatory credit going to Animala for finding it)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oooh! Almost a Darwin Award!

Famous last words: "Hey, look at this!"

Anyway, I want to give a shout out to Richard of Young Australian Skeptics, who put me on the scent of tonight's post via his commentary on some truly, truly vomitous comics at Answer in Genesis. It's called "After the Fall", and I would say that, ironically, the very existence of such shitty, shitty unfunniness is proof of the magnitude of evil wrought by the fall.

Wow, it sucks. Did you see the cheap plug in the second cartoon? I mean...fuck! Lunatics.

But tonight, I thought that I would do a little posting on Chick Tracts, which one of Richards commenters referred to. These, as you know but as I only relatively recently learned, are little pamphlets designed specifically to make atheists wet themselves with hilaritude. Man, I thought the Bible was preachy!

Anyway, the list of the Chick tracts that you can order, should you have that kind of money and are gullible, is pretty amusing in itself. I think that my favorite one is:


I can see the TV spots now:

Kid: Mom, I spilled my Kool-Aid on the carpet!

Mom: Don't worry about it, sweetie. I'll just use a little Jesus Blood!

[She rubs out the stain. Her hands are caked in blood.]

Announcer: Yes. Jesus Blood is not just good for salvation; it is also a gentle but powerful stain remover. Use it on any surface: wood, valour, leather, oxhide, burlap, silk, human hair, and so many more. Watch it clean up this mixture of turpentine, feces, yogurt, and sweaty pit stains! The secret is in the active ingredient, Jehovahyde, which was invented by NASA to clean the interior of the Space Shuttle. And for a limited time, if you order now, we'll send you a FREE package of Veronica-brand wipes...!
Ah, humor! Anyway, this next ad I thought has the potential to be super-disturbing, because, well, you'll see:
I like the idea of God sitting there with a VCR remote. "Oh, wait, this is my favorite part..."

Oh, it has black people in it. It's conventionally bad and unintentionally hilarious, of course. I like how the fellow's last words are "Whaaaaa?" And also, the Grim Reaper is apparently a person.

I can't believe that Chick tracts are still segregated.

HJ

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Brannon Howse finally admits he is a completely batshit conspiricist

I have no special love for the FBI, with the possible exception of Mulder and Scully. Do I think that the FBI historically has investigated people without justification? Of course. Jedgar was a scary dude. But even though I will never fully trust the FBI, nor any power, really, I need more more than my own sneaking suspicion to start pitching my own feces. Brannon Howse, owner and the perpetrator of Worldview Weekend, however, is squatting with his cupped hand in the receiving position.

Remember back in the day when Brannon hypothesized, after consulting with who can only be described as his own ass, that packs of homosexuals were marauding through Barnes and Nobel trying to engay the chillun' or some damned fool thing? Well, that led me to believe that perhaps he was a bit off. He has since revealed himself to be a completely unhinged Grand Wizard-level conspiracy theorist. OK, the pink helicopters were a pretty amusing idea, but other than that, it is absolutely screamingly obvious that Howse is a complete clinker.

On 4/19, Howse published the following statement:

FBI spied on TEA Party Americans
First off, what do the Feds have against Triethanolamine? Haha. (When Brannon looks up the wrong definition of "clinker," he'll find out what Triethanolamine is used for.
According to this unimpeachable source, a single-page confidential directive issued by the FBI headquarters in Washington, DC (FBIHQ) was sent to each of the 56 field offices located across the United States on or about March 23, 2009, instructing the Special Agents in Charge (SACs) of those offices to verify the date, time and location of each TEA Party within their region and supply that information to FBI headquarters in Washington. The source stated this correspondence termed the TEA parties "political demonstrations," and added that the dissemination of the directive was very tightly controlled. "Not all agents were privy to this correspondence," stated the source, who compared the dissemination to an older "Do Not File" classification.
Wow. Unimpeachable! That's...that's really...quite an adjective!

So was the unimpeachable source Robert S. Mueller, director of the FBI? Perhaps an Assistant Director Skinner-level administrator? Attorney General Holder? Well, I'll just go over to the website that he gives. http://homelandsecurityus.com/?p=2659#more-2659
"If you one of the estimated 750,000 Americans who attended one of about 600 TEA parties last week, you might have seen media cameras covering the event. Media cameras, however, were not the only cameras taking video at these events, something that has at least one current FBI agent concerned over the future of America."
"Whose name is..."
According to this agent - the same agent who provided the Northeast Intelligence Network (NEIN) exclusively the unreleased photographs of the 11 missing Egyptian students who were the subject of a FBI BOLO in August 2006–placed his concerns for true patriots of the U.S. over his own career when he confided that covert surveillance was “planned and performed” at each of the TEA parties that took place last Tuesday.
"And this agent, whose mother named him..."

“Listen to what I am saying,” stated the source during an interview with Doug Hagmann, founder (NEIN). “The Department of Homeland Security Intelligence Assessment that is receiving so much attention is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, and the true patriotic citizens of this country are on the Titanic. This is what bothers me. But is goes far beyond that assessment. There have been very significant changes made over the last few years that redirect the focus and assets of the intelligence community internally. These changes have greatly accelerated under this administration, and the threats have been redefined to include those who used to be patriots. It’s not only chilling but absolutely insulting to God-fearing Americans.”
"'Also,' said the source, 'my name is...'"
According to this unimpeachable source, a single-page confidential directive issued by the FBI headquarters in Washington, DC (FBIHQ) was sent to each of the 56 field offices located across the United States on or about March 23, 2009, instructing the Special Agents in Charge (SACs) of those offices to verify the date, time and location of each TEA Party within their region and supply that information to FBI headquarters in Washington. The source stated this correspondence termed the TEA parties “political demonstrations,” and added that the dissemination of the directive was very tightly controlled. “Not all agents were privy to this correspondence,” stated the source, who compared the dissemination to an older “Do Not File” classification.
So, you have no documents. You have no other agents who can corroborate your assertion. You have no name. You have no credentials. But at least he said, "Listen to what I'm saying." That's all I need. And if he says it on the Internet, shucks, even better! Not just any nutjob can say anything on the Internet. Only those nutjobs with modems or library cards!

FUCK! I KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN THAN WE DO ABOUT YOUR SOURCE! Unimpeachable, my ass. He's completely unidentifiable! There's nothing there to impeach!

Brannon! Perpetuating such bogus assertions with NO EVIDENCE is...utterly unthinking and irresponsible. I fully expect that you will retract your assertion on your forthcoming show.

HJ

Finding Jihad with NO money down and NO interest until 2009!

Hi. This is Finding Jihad, which proves that the vast majority of people who end up at my web page have no idea what they are getting into. Let's watch, aren't we?

  • internal documentation mla (How do I index my spleen?)
  • douche and whore combo (Ken Ham and Bodie Hodge.)
  • results of unprofessional conduct (Professional dismissal.)
  • are seahorses asexual (No, they are complete whores!)
  • scary movie green shit shoots out her mouth (The Exorcist.)
  • naked women weapons (I’m going to say surprise and distraction are their best weapons.)
  • "jewish women" nude (Which is only interesting because of the next search--)
  • lisa edelstein naked
  • what can you house with a seahorse? (Sea stable boys. Duh.)
  • damaged terminator (Oh, you can pick those up cheap on the eBay.)
  • koran pancakes (Yum!)
  • scary fuck (Phyllis Diller)
  • bottomless girl running (I love the “bottomless girls” searches.)
  • "cow nipple clamps" (Oh, as they say, dear.)
  • free time wasters (MyFace)
  • white smelly liar on penis solution (Does this need a punchline?)
  • topless bottomless (That’s technically “self-less”)
  • decency victoria's secret (Decency is overrated.)
  • mla job list rhetoric and composition future (Trust me, there is no future.)
  • corpse mulch (Oh, Mr. Manson, these tomatoes are divine! And you grow them yourself! What’s your secret?)
  • easter sunday snipers (It’s the Allelujah Chorus meets the 1812 Overture!)
  • obliged to drink piss (Google France. Also, the French are gross.)
  • beowulf wanks (Yeah, well, Birthnoth is a poof.)
  • satan in daisy dukes (Oh, Jessica Simpson.)
  • quranic cure from thrombophilia (You’re shitting me, right? Muhammud H. Christ!)

This week’s breakout search: Getting it on with great pieces of art!
  • mona liza fuck
  • mony lisa fuck from man
  • fuck the mona lisa
HJ

Monday, April 20, 2009

Ken Ham is instructing children to kill all atheists! Well, not really.

He should totally fire his advertising agency, however. And possibly demand his money back.

Behold! Slimy, fear-based marketing:



I know! That's what I thought!

I don't think this was deliberately as offensive, scummy and perverted as it truly is. It is clearly the product of incompetence. At the same time, for all the artistry it lacks, it is not something you can dismiss.

Yesterday, Ken devoted an entire article to an explanation of the weird little ad. I will look at his defense of the ad, and then explain exactly why it is not ludicrous that Internet atheists would interpret it as they have, as a call to kill atheists.

First Ken takes us back exactly 10 years to Columbine, an event that the ad clearly draws on. I was a high school teacher when that happened. It scared the hell out of my kids.

Such acts as this—and numerous others since—send a warning that something is happening in our culture—something many are perplexed about. Why would such situations occur?

From a biblical perspective and an understanding of a sovereign God, the ultimate answer of course is sin. The Bible makes it clear we live in a fallen world, and because of the effects of sin and the Curse, we now experience violence, suffering, disease, catastrophes, and so on.

There is no rationale behind this supposed cause and effect relationship. Answers in Genesis has no interest in the supposed mechanism by which eating knowledge apples causes both herpes and blimp accidents. Whatever. These points have been made before. Ken finishes the opening section with:
But on the individual level—even understanding we are sinners in a fallen world—we ask what could lead persons like Harris and Klebold to kill their fellow students?
Let's see. I bet it's something like evolution.
In 2007, Pekka-Eric Auvinen, a teen in Finland...
OH C'MON, KEN! YOU TAKE A MANIAC AT HIS LITERAL WORD--AND THEN USE IT TO JUSTIFY...EVERY HORRID THING YOU DO! Listen to this bent Finn:
I am prepared to fight and die for my cause. . . . I, as a natural selector, will eliminate all who I see unfit, disgraces of human race and failures of natural selection. No, the truth is that I am just an animal, a human, an individual, a dissident . . . . It’s time to put NATURAL SELECTION & SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST back on tracks!
Despite the fact that he is clearly trying to intelligently designing a population, did you happen to notice how he said he would die to weed out the unworthy...thereby weeding himself out and making himself...unworthy!! Haha!

Ken, you routinely take wacky proclamations at face value, especially when you think it supports your argument. Of course, I'm talking about a guy who takes the gospel according to John literally, so perhaps discerning credible sources is not exactly his strong suit.

Then he says a lot of tedious repetitive crap, as is his wont, and then:
We live in a culture where increasing numbers of each successive generation have been taught there is no absolute authority. They believe that there is no Creator to whom we are accountable—and everyone has a right to do what is right in his own eyes.
Which is exactly why everyone is condemning your awful little video, right? Because "anything goes"? You are awful at thinking.

To challenge people concerning this matter—and, in a sense, to shock people into the reality of what is happening today—in 2006 Answers in Genesis contracted with a marketing agency to produce a video clip dealing with violence as part of a branding campaign for the AiG ministry. [...]

Earlier this year (2009) we had the video clip about violence put up on YouTube.com to reach others. A number of atheists have attacked this clip very aggressively with outlandish claims and outright falsehoods in an attempt to deflect people’s attention away from the vital message of this clip.
Rhetorically, hell, grammatically this ad does not make sense, Ken! How can it have a vital message?

Everything in the video is "you you you." Consider the visual language of the thing: a kid is walking up to you and putting a gun in your face. You stare down the short muzzle and can see it's loaded. "If you (viewer) don't matter to God, you (viewer) don't matter to anyone."

Assume your viewer is an atheist, who does not believe in God and therefore believes in the most perfect sense that they are not (pretty much as a rule) important in the eyes of any Sky Daddy. The atheist, therefore, on the basis of his or her beliefs, is being told that they do not matter while a young Charlton Heston puts a gun in my face! This is not an advertisement. This is literally a death threat.

Alright. Maybe there is another way to read this that makes sense. Or, maybe not.

Perhaps the yous are referring to different people. In that case, well, nice pronoun reference error. "If you (viewer) don't matter to God, you (kid) don't matter to anyone." No, that doesn't make sense. "If you (kid) don't matter to God, you (viewer) don't matter to anyone." No, that doesn't make any sense either.

Who does this make sense to, Ken?
The boy depicted in the video clip represents how so many more young people are prone to violence now days (which has been on the rise since Columbine ten years ago). In this video clip—and its limited text—people are directed to seek out our website for an answer to the general question: “Why is there so much violence and death in this world—and does God have anything to do with it?”
No, they are going to your site to see what your problem is. Seriously, you hope to communicate: "God loves you. Here's a gun in your face." That's hella lame.

Also, was the foley artist on cocaine when he did the sound? Jeez!

What's Ken's interpretation of this completely inartistic botch?
“If you don’t matter to God [if there is no God to whom you are accountable], then you don’t matter to anyone [there is no purpose and meaning in life and life has no value].”
Well, this makes perfect sense, if words do not refer to what they refer to! This is made clear by preserving the grammatical structure but substituting one word for another. The ask yourself the following question:

Does "If you don't matter to William Shatner" mean "If there is no William Shatner"? Of course not! Ken, it's a staggeringly inept ad, Ken, and your futile attempt to defend the horrid little clip is a direct measure of the magnitude of your delusion.

The sidebar by the filmmaker is revealing, because clearly the person who did the video does not know how words work either:
This spot is not sensationalism if you have lived and experienced and been touched by violence and understand what it feels like to be violated in such a personal way...
What is sensationalism other than trying to get people to "feel"--hence the root of the word (sensation, duh)!

Man, big time pathetic all around.

HJ

Flying blind...

I am probably legally blind right now. Combine that with my orthographically innovative writing, and I think you know you are in for a hell of a post.

I have just gotten to work following a visit to the ophthalmologist's office and pretty excellent eye dilation. I need new glasses, I think. Actually, I need new eyes right now, or at least loaners. I was talking to the nurse about wanting to grade this afternoon, remembering how there was eye-dilation antidote, but she said it had been discontinued because it was causing corneas to detach. Whoops!

When they called me in, I sat down in the little chair and the nurse pulled the mechanical Mardi Gras mask down in front of me. She had me read the eye chart:
A E V O D
P D N B V
Blur smudge lint fuzz smear

New glasses it is, then!

HJ

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The saddest thing I have ever read...

So, I don't know whether this is Milli or Vanilli--you remember them right? Big disgraces? The high of music industry cynicism? Yeah, well, Fab Morvan (the one who is not dead) has clearly taken to maintaining his own Wikipedia entry:

Epilogue

Morvan spent the following years as a session musician and public speaker while working on his musical talents. In 1998, he was a DJ at famed L.A. radio station KIIS-FM. During this time, he also performed at the station's sold-out 1999 Wango Tango festival concert before 50,000 people at Dodger Stadium. In 2000, Morvan was featured in a BBC documentary on Milli Vanilli, as well as the premiere episode of VH1 Behind the Music. Morvan then spent 2001 on tour before performing in 2002 as the inaugural performer at the brand-new Velvet Lounge at the Hard Rock Café Hotel in Orlando, Florida. In 2003, Morvan released his first solo album, Love Revolution. He marketed the album through his website and CD Baby.

Morvans's new songs "Roll" and "Time Will Reveal" can currently be heard on his MySpace profile page.
It's the adjectives, people, that give this one away: famed, sold-out, premier, inaugural, and brand-new Velvet Lounge (oh, that last one hurts). You can just see his career spiraling downward, trailing smoke, and you wonder, "Why he doesn't bail out?" Instead, he is still radioing the tower: "Everything is swell up here! Did you hear I have a prestigious MySpace page on the exclusive Internet?"

I expect the next revision to close with: "Fab is currently living in the swankest corner of His Mother's Basement."

Man, that was a complete overdose on reality.

Oh, you can go to his website, too. It's sort of completely dishonest, as one would sort of expect from someone living the lie, er, dream:
It was in Munich where [Fab] met Rob Pilatus in a local club and the two started a rock and soul band together. The two penniless and homeless kids jumped at the chance to sign a contract, and within months they had created a captivating stage show that would prove to enthrall millions.

Selling over 7 million copies of their debut album, Girl You Know It's True, the duo went on to MTV stardom, becoming one of the biggest musical acts of the '90s, with worldwide sales of more than 30 million singles and 14 million albums. The popular VH1 series Behind the Music premiered with an episode spotlighting the duo, which was one of the highest-rated segments of the series.
Hey, there's something missing in there. Oh, the huge fraud, that's right. Wow. I am totally bummed now. DAMN IT, MILLI VANILLI! WHY WON'T YOU LET THE PAIN GO AWAY?!?!

Also, Milli Vanilli biopic coming out. Teehee.

HJ

Shakespeare was Sicilian and sort of Jewish!

Animala Polar Bunny, of whom I have spoken frequently, has decided to weigh in on the claims of the self-styled "Oxfordians" in the Supreme Court. It seems to me that unnecessarily labeling yourself is a feature of wacky movements. For instance, take the made-up categories of "creation scientists" and "evolutionists," which is not the real conflict at all. You in fact have "non-scientists" versus "scientists." I think that we might see in the Shakespearean/Oxfordian division a similar black-and-white opposition between credible scholars and...gits.

Shakespeare was Sicilian and sort of Jewish!--by Animala Polar Bunny (pictured below)



In 1987, Supreme Court Justices John Paul Stevens, William Brennan and Harry Blackmun considered the case of de Vere vs. Shakespeare, in which they heard evidence that Edward de Vere, the 17th earl of Oxford, wrote the works commonly attributed to William Shakespeare, the son of a Stratford glover. At that time the justices found that there was insufficient evidence to prove de Vere’s authorship.

Now, however, Stevens has changed his mind. According to a Wall Street Journal article, the senior justice and recovering English major finds that “the evidence that he [Shakespeare] was not the author is beyond a reasonable doubt.”

He is mistaken, unless the definition of “reasonable doubt” has changed radically in the centuries since Stevens attended law school or an English class.

It is unnecessary to recount all the claims and counterclaims that have been made concerning the authorship of the plays and poems attributed to Shakespeare. That is why God made Wikipedia. I will confine my comments to the vast weight of evidence that Stevens and his fellow justices have brought to bear on the issue.

As many others have done before him, Stevens worries about Shakespeare’s library, or lack thereof: “Where are the books? You can’t be a scholar of that depth and not have any books in your home.” Well, fair enough. But just how does Stevens know that Shakespeare didn’t have books in his home? That home is itself long gone. It is true that Shakespeare did not mention any books specifically in his will, but he mentions comparatively few items specifically. He entailed his home and the bulk of his estate on his daughter Susannah. It then passed to her daughter Elizabeth. (Strictly speaking, he entailed it on a putative male line descending from Susannah. When that male line failed to materialize, the estate ultimately settled on Elizabeth.)

If Shakespeare had books, they were presumably in his primary residence New Place. New Place and all “thappurtenaunces” went to Susannah and then to Elizabeth. I suppose one could argue that the books would have been so important to Shakespeare that he would have mentioned them. We could also argue that they were so important to him that he would want them to be kept together as part of his estate. If one argued that he wouldn’t have left them to Susannah, one could be accused of sexism. One might also be reminded that he intended that the estate would ultimately fall upon a grandson.

Can we be sure that Shakespeare possessed a large library? No, of course we can’t. Stevens’ argument, however, is an example of the appeal to ignorance: we don’t have Shakespeare’s books; we don’t have positive proof that he ever had books. Therefore, Shakespeare never had books. Stevens enjoys this fallacy so much that he follows it with another example: “He never had any correspondence with his contemporaries.” We don’t have any letters that Shakespeare wrote to, say, Ben Jonson, something along the lines of, “Dear Ben, just a quick not to say that—unities, schmunities—400 years from now, I’ll be much more famous than you. P.S Are we still on for poker on Thursday? Verily yours, Will.” Since no such letters survive, it naturally follows that Shakespeare wrote no such letters. Similarly, we don’t have any letters that Shakespeare wrote home to his wife, children, siblings or parents when he was working in London. We must logically conclude then that he did not keep in contact with them. Coincidentally, there are no letters from the earl of Oxford in which he shows an unusual degree of pleasure in the success of that Shakespeare fellow.

Stevens adds that Shakespeare “never was shown to be present at any major event—the coronation of James or any of that stuff.” Well, perhaps, perhaps not. The king arrived in London on May 4, 1603. On May 19, 1603, Shakespeare’s company was issued a charter that officially made them the King’s Men. Shakespeare, as a member and shareholder of the company, became a servant of the Crown. According to Nick de Somogyi: “As Grooms of the Royal Chamber, Shakespeare and his eleven fellow actors may have walked in the procession in their official livery of red velvet cloaks, doublets and breeches” (Searching for Shakespeare by Tarnya Cooper, Yale UP, 2006).

More importantly, however, why should we expect a poet and actor to be present at important historic events, unless those events were large celebrations with entertainments provided by actors and poets?

Actually Shakespeare’s company, then the Lord Chamberlain’s Men, did play a strange, unwitting role in one historic event: the Essex rebellion. Supporters of Elizabeth I’s former favorite, Robert Devereux, the earl of Essex, planned to stage a coup against her in the earl’s favor. To rouse up support, the rebels requested that Shakespeare’s company perform his play Richard II the day before the attempted coup. This play dramatizes a monarch’s forced abdication. Essex’s rebellion failed, Essex was tried and executed, and Augustine Phillips, a member of Shakespeare’s company, appeared at the trial to explain why the company had agreed to perform the play. Sometime later, Elizabeth explained to her archivist, “I am Richard II, know ye not that?”

Aside from non-evidence that Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare, Stevens cites shaky evidence that Oxford was. Most of this is of the snobbish, “only a nobleman could have known or done that” variety. According to the WSJ article, Stevens believes that Oxford’s position at court makes him the most likely candidate for author of the plays:

“. . . Stevens mentions that Lord Burghley, guardian of the young de Vere, is generally accepted as the model for the courtier Polonius in Hamlet. ‘Burghley was the No. 1 adviser to the queen,’ says the justice. ‘De Vere married [Burghley’s] daughter which fits in with Hamlet marrying Polonius’s daughter, Ophelia.’”
Ignoring for the moment the fact that Hamlet did NOT marry Ophelia, there is no reason to suppose that the play’s author would have to be Burghley’s son-in-law: Burghley and Oxford were both famous men, even infamous in Oxford’s case.

Stevens also believes that Oxford was more likely than Shakespeare to have dedicated two poems, Venus and Adonis and The Rape of Lucrece to Henry Wriothesley, the earl of Southampton. Both earls were wards of Burghley: “The coincidence . . . is really quite remarkable. . . . Why in the world would William Shakespeare, the guy from Stratford, be dedicating these works to this nobleman?”

Oh, I don’t know, because the theaters were closed due to an outbreak of the plague and Shakespeare was seeking a patron? Poets dedicated works to nobles all the time, men and sometimes women who were their patrons or who they hoped would become patrons. The acting companies had patrons, and poets had patrons. They weren’t raking in big bucks from the publication of their works. Shakespeare’s fellow players, John Hemminges and Henry Condell, dedicated the first folio of his works to William and Phillip Herbert, the 3rd and 4th earls of Pembroke.

The earl of Oxford would have had no need of the earl of Southampton’s patronage. One might also wonder why Oxford would have to disguise his authorship of these narrative poems (or the sonnets, for that matter). The usual argument is that such a nobleman could not have his name attached to something as common as the theater. This argument is less convincing in regard to other forms of verse. Many people of high rank were known for their poetry. Virtually every member of Sir Phillip Sidney’s family seems to have made use of their quills, including his brother, Robert, earl of Leicester, Robert’s daughter, Lady Mary Wroth, as well as Robert and Phillip’s sister Mary, countess of Pembroke, who was also an inveterate patron of poets, as was her son, William Herbert, earl of Pembroke.

Henry Howard, the earl of Surrey, son and heir of the duke of Norfolk, the highest ranking nobleman in England, was also an important and influential poet. He was the first English poet to use blank verse and the “Shakespearean” sonnet form. Oxford himself was known as a poet, and some of the poems attributed to him survive. Why would he allow some poems to be attached to his name but permit other far better poems to be attributed to the “guy from Stratford”?

Why, moreover, would the earl of Oxford write a dedication to a man who was his social equal and 23 years his junior in terms that suggest that he, Oxford, was of inferior rank?
Right Honourable, I know not how I shall offend in dedicating my unpolished lines to your lordship, nor how the world will censure me for choosing so strong a prop to support so weak a burden. Only, if your honour seem but pleased, I account myself highly praised, and vow to take advantage of all idle hours till I have honoured you with some graver labour. But if the first heir of my invention prove deformed, I shall be sorry it had so noble a godfather, and never after ear so barren a land for fear it yield me still so bad a harvest. I leave it to your honourable survey, and your honour to your heart’s content, which I wish may always answer your own wish and the world’s hopeful expectation. Your Honour’s in all duty, William Shakespeare
--Dedication to Venus and Adonis, 1593
It must have been galling for Oxford to have signed the name “William Shakespeare” to the poem. It must have been equally galling for him to have had to refer to his 19-year old social equal as “you” rather than “thou.”

If, as seems likely, Oxford had known Southampton since the latter was a child, it also seems odd that he would have addressed Southampton so formally in 1593, and so much more intimately in 1594:
The love I dedicate to your worship is without end, whereof this pamphlet without beginning is but a superfluous moiety. The warrant I have of your honourable deposition, not the worth of my untutored lines, makes it assured of acceptance. What I have done is yours; what I have to do is yours, being in all I have, devoted yours. Were my worth greater my duty would show greater, meantime, as it is, it is bound to your lordship, to whom I wish long life still strengthened with all happiness. Your Lordship’s in all duty, William Shakespeare.
Dedication to The Rape of Lucrece, 1594
Most of Stevens’ evidence “beyond a reasonable doubt” is based on a lack of evidence. What evidence he provides is highly dubious. He believed at one point that he might find physical evidence for his belief, but this proved illusory. Noting that the “bed trick” that appears in All’s Well that Ends Well and Measure for Measure has a parallel in the biblical story of Leah and Rachel, Stevens inspected a Bible which had belonged to Oxford and which now resides at the Folger Shakespeare Library, thinking that if Oxford had written the plays, “he would have underlined those portions of it.” He hadn’t.

If we were to use Stevens’ favorite appeal to ignorance, we could conclude decisively that the lack of underlining proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Oxford did not write All’s Well that Ends Well, Measure for Measure and, by extension, the other plays attributed to Shakespeare. Quod erat demonstratum.

As for the other justices who submitted amicus briefs in support of the earl of Oxford, Antonin Scalia, who admits that his wife “is a much better expert in literature than I am,” does not hesitate to point out her romantic root-for-the-little-guy bias: “It is probably more likely that the pro-Shakespearean people are affected by a democratic bias than the Oxfordians are affected by an aristocratic bias,” because obviously Scalia has no biases and is never wrong.

Now, who were some of the other great poets and playwrights of Shakespeare’s day? Let’s see, there was Christopher Marlowe, the son of a shoemaker; Ben Jonson, the stepson of a bricklayer; Michael Drayton was the son of a butcher or tanner. Shakespeare’s sometime collaborator, John Fletcher (Henry VIII, Two Noble Kinsmen), came from more elevated stock. His father was Bishop of London and his uncle was an important diplomat; however, both got into trouble and Fletcher had to support himself through his writing. In other words, while some aristocrats had great poetic talent, so did some members of the middle class. Furthermore, the middle class writers had the time—and the financial need—to devote themselves to writing full-time. This is to say that they did not have other obligations, such as statesmanship and public affairs, to attend to.

Perhaps the most illuminating observation comes from Jane Ginsburg, the daughter of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. In an email to her mother, she mentioned an Italian television program she’d seen which suggested that “Shakespeare was Sicilian and Jewish, sort of.”

Well, obviously, isn’t that what we’ve all suspected?

A.P.B.

Finding Jihad? Really?

Well, it was due back, I suppose. Finding Jihad, the semi-regular feature wherein I post some of the Google searches that have led people to my website.

  • kerby anderson point of view (Looking up at his betters?)
  • neanderthal rickets bullshit (Uh, 3 words that have nothing to do with each other? PASS! PASS!)
  • "win ben stein's money" underwear (How about a game show “I’d rather go home poor”?)
  • mastercard jihad priceless (“You’re in a cave here. She has the suicide vest here….”)
  • will welfare rights at the hospice come with me to a benifer appeal (Uh, this is very funny and also sad, since "benifer" is probably meant to be “benefit.”)
  • types of monkeys (Grease monkeys, howler monkeys, zombie rage monkeys.)
  • wake up to pancake perfection (My new slogan!)
  • afraid of women because of small penis (You need a Penis Mightier!)
  • what makes me happy (…is wrong and you should be ashamed.)
  • utah girls nude (It never happens.)
  • lesbian bloodlust (What a great B-movie title!)
  • pz myers house (You, oh creepy shit, need a fucking hobby.)
  • pronounce: teetotaler (Turtle-lure.)
  • kitten bites head off ducklings (This encapsulates equal amounts of cute and hellish grotesquery.)
  • titty sprinkles funny (Very much so!)
  • biggest douche galaxy (Whichever galaxy Gene Simmons happens to be in.)
  • animals disproving evolution (None.)
  • was noah's ark ever found (Uh, no. Dumbass.)
  • tight underwear blog (Written very quickly by someone who has other things on his mind.)
  • pancake titty (Fun with syrup comes to mind.)
  • men drinking coffee kitchen 1950's (I’ll never understand Internet fetishes.)
  • fuck paraplegics (I once saw one of them parking in one of our spots.)
  • girl in pillory stock xxx sex and submission (From Czech Google)
  • palm desert nudity (Can you say “sunburned tender bits”?)
  • wookie gay sex (Yep. The oddest thing ever.)
  • "rexella" "fan fic" (Nope. This is the oddest thing ever.)
  • potato porn (Mr. Potato “head”)
This was a quicky to get back in the swing of things. More later.

HJ

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This Clown's on the Supreme Court?

It's really quite to your credit, Justice John Paul Stevens, that a man your age is still limber enough to get your head so far up your ass. Bra-, as they say, -vo.

Stevens, it turns out, believes that Shakespeare wasn't Shakespeare. His argument, presented in digest form by the Wall Street Journal, is an exercise in critical thinking gone ridiculously wrong. Oh! The inanity!


Stevens admits, even in public, that he thinks the person who wrote Shakespeare was...the Earl of Oxford. Yep. We've talked about this before. Unfortunately, the WSJ isn't interested in, you know, talking to experts in the field, but the one quote of someone who is not way out of their league is pretty priceless:

This puts much of the court squarely outside mainstream academic opinion [...]

"Oh my," said Coppelia Kahn, president of the Shakespeare Association of America and professor of English at Brown University, when informed of Justice Stevens's cause. "Nobody gives any credence to these arguments," she says.

Stevens sat in on a mock trail about the author of the plays, and he came out apparently a severely brain damaged individual. But let's look at the argument:

In a visit to Shakespeare's birthplace in Stratford-upon-Avon, Justice Stevens observed that the purported playwright left no books, nor letters or other records of a literary presence.

"Where are the books? You can't be a scholar of that depth and not have any books in your home," Justice Stevens says. "He never had any correspondence with his contemporaries, he never was shown to be present at any major event -- the coronation of James or any of that stuff. I think the evidence that he was not the author is beyond a reasonable doubt."

I'm going to take a deep breath, like my therapist told me. And....Let the thumping begin!

Alright, Smarty Judge. Where are Marlowe's books? It seems clear that Marlowe wasn't Marlowe! Some would say he's the better writer. Edmund Spencer's library? Well, perhaps he was the Earl of Oxford too! Philip Sidney's library? Wow! The Earl of Oxford was really busy! When did he get around to earling? Thomas Wyatt the Elder's library? (Presumably that was inherited by Wyatt the Younger, but whatevs.)

So, we have shown that 16th century writers whose libraries we do not have are invariably the Earl of Oxford, at least by Stevens' logic.

"He never had any correspondence with his contemporaries"

Woah, woah, woah! What a sweeping claim! Back up. We do not have any of his correspondence, which is a completely different thing, and, let's face it, probably more accurate. He could not have been a playwright without writing the occasional letter, but again, we don't have Chaucer's personal papers, do we? Jeez!
[...] he never was shown to be present at any major event
How many people from the 16/17th century can you say were? And I'm not sure why this is important. There are a couple of coronation scenes in the plays, but surely you need not have attended a coronation (or be recorded at one) to write about one, at least, not any more than you need to be a king to write King Lear, right?
Justice Stevens admits there's a "fringe" element of anti-Shakespearians who spin elaborate but unlikely theories. "I think that's one of the things that hurts the cause -- and the fact that the guy who first came up with de Vere was named Looney," he says.
You're like Answers in Genesis saying, "Well, at least we aren't Flat Earthers!" Them being dumb has nothing to do with you being right!
On the other hand, "a lot of people like to think its Shakespeare because...they like to think that a commoner can be such a brilliant writer," he says. "Even though there is no Santa Claus, it's still a wonderful myth."
Way to knock over a straw man! You see, in fact, we have a lot more evidence about Shakespeare's life than we do about most playwrights of the day. We even have a couple of signatures! We have contemporaries saying, "Hey, that Shakespeare! How about that guy?" Or the 16th century equivalent. We have a will. We have the "will" sonnets. There are some some official documents that survive. But at least you are arrogant. Jeez.

"My wife, who is a much better expert in literature than I am, has berated me," says Justice Scalia. "She thinks we Oxfordians are motivated by the fact that we can't believe that a commoner could have done something like this, you know, it's an aristocratic tendency."

Justice Scalia prefers to turn the tables.

"It is probably more likely that the pro-Shakespearean people are affected by a democratic bias than the Oxfordians are affected by an aristocratic bias," he says.

Well, this is the type of tortured logic we'd expect from Scalia, whose mind is totally bent. Of course, Stevens become supremely aristocratic when he says: "lot of people like to think its Shakespeare because...they like to think that a commoner can be such a brilliant writer." And your reversal...is "I'm like rubber, you're like glue" defense.

Then there is this goofy aside, which I can only imagine was added to meets some type of length requirement:

Justices David Souter and Ruth Bader Ginsburg say they're not sure who wrote the plays. Justice Ginsburg, however, provided a March email from her daughter Jane, a law professor currently in Rome. Jane Ginsburg wrote she recently saw an Italian television program postulating that "Shakespeare was Sicilian and Jewish, sort of."

Wow. Her daughter once saw a show in Italy that was goofy. How utterly unrelated.

Justice Stevens can indulge his love of the Bard at the Folger Shakespeare Library, a block from the Supreme Court. He says he had a particular brainstorm after learning the library held a Bible that once belonged to de Vere.

It is so wrong that this dipshit has such great access and squanders it so absolutely. And it's more like "brain drizzle." It's pretty funny, it's so bad:

"In two of the plays Shakespeare has an incident using the bed trick, in which the man is not aware of the identity of the woman he's sleeping with," Justice Stevens says, referring to "All's Well That Ends Well" and "Measure for Measure." "And there's an incident in the Old Testament where the same event allegedly occurred."

Justice Stevens says he reasoned that if de Vere had borrowed the escapade from his Bible, "he would have underlined those portions of it. So I went over once to ask them to dig out the Bible."

Unfortunately, the passage involving the substitution of Leah for Rachel in Jacob's bed, Genesis 29:23, was not marked. "I really thought I might have stumbled onto something that would be a very strong coincidence," Justice Stevens says. "But it did not develop at all."

HAHAHA! You suck!

Ah, Justice Stevens. Seriously, keep your day job.

Oh, I have word that Animala is going to be following up on this story, and that she has been writing this up all night.

She asked me to look up a couple of references, and she is going to manhandle Stevens. Seriously. Stay tuned.

HJ

Reflections on the week gone by...

The past week has been a marathon for me, and this coming week promises more of the same. Part of the problem has to do with scheduling. Facing the prospects of unemployment, I made as many doctor's appointments as I could before losing my insurance. I will have COBRA over the summer. (There is, as I understand it, part of the stimulus package that will allow me to get COBRA insurance at 1/3 of the cost if I talk to my HR department. Gotta check that out.)

So, I have been juggling classes, office visits, other set-in-stone work obligations, a completely voluntary bit o' service with the graduate student group that I used to be involved with, and, of course, my ice dancing lessons.


Anyway, it was a week of perpetual obligations. This coming week is not looking a whole lot better. I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist on Monday, and fully expect eye-dilating funtasticness. That's early in the morning because, hey, I gotta work. But if my pupils are dilated, it's going to make grading damn near impossible. Oh well.

There was the morning that I spent meidtating on whether or not I should accept the Georgia job. There was really no decision to be made. I have a lot of planning ahead of me. I've never coordinated such a complicated move before to somewhere I am completely unfamiliar with. i will talk to the department I'll be working with and ask for a little guidance. At the same time, I know a surprisingly large number of people who have lived in the city before, and they might be able to help me with picking a neighborhood.

Anyway, I'm restless. I'm going to clean like a maniac.

HJ

Friday, April 17, 2009

Scary rightwing nitwits indignant over being called scary rightwing nitwits

The reaction in the whine-o-sphere to the DHS report that warned about delusional gun-hoarding wingnuts of all stripes, including, among others, gun-wielding anti-abortionists, gun-wielding endtimers, gun-wielding militia groups, and gun-wielding white supremecists has been overwhelming, ill-informed and, oddly, indirectly confirms a number of the report's assumptions and conclusions. Nobody bothers to mention that the study was initiated under Bush, for some reason.

Bill Wilson of Bible Prophecy Today, in his article "Arrogant White House Casts Christian Patriots as Racist Extremists," proves that Bill is not qualified to interpret a newspaper, much less Scripture.

The principle claim behind this piece is that the White House's response to the "outpouring of public sentiment was to belittle the citizens." Yep. He tied the DHS report to the conservative teabagging:

The White House very strategically released a Homeland Security report ahead of the nationwide protests that positioned patriotic Americans whose belief that border control, and preservation of life and individual liberties are "primarily hate oriented" racist radicals and "right wing extremists".
If you can't actually link the two events with evidence because you are blinded by the post hoc fallacy, make sure that you say it was "very strategic." Of course, this is not what the report said at all. Indeed, I thought that the Tea Party idea was a clever, imaginative way to protest taxation. Really. It's just unfortunate that they started calling themselves teabaggers. Heheh. Ultimately, if you are identifying yourself in anything but a cynical way with the hate groups--the armed and not opposed-to-violence-in-principle hate groups--then you should be on a list because you scare the fuck out of me. Of course, who could ever suspect sweet widdle Bill, who said, "The revolution has begun and government must be held accountable," of being potentially dangerous?

Bill, you are throwing your hat in with some pretty awful people--Neo-Nazis and people who embrace violent action over political dialog. Stand down, little man.

Then there was this strange little piece of non-logic:
First, the Administration deliberately releases a Homeland Security report submitted on April 7th a week late on April 14th to signal to the American public that those protesting the government's socialist policies are "right wing extremists", then belittles concerned citizens by implying that the man who occupies the Oval Office (OOO) is unaware of the protests. I wonder if the OOO was aware of the protests when hundreds of thousands of dollars of hard earned taxpayers' money was spent on a SWAT Team and a bomb squad robot to remove a box of tea bags tossed over the White House fence?
What he doesn't seem to be concerned about is 1) that someone is throwing stuff at the White House--they bring in the bomb squad if your bags are unattended at the airport! Throwing something over the fence of the White House....What do you expect? Some people would call that intimidation, you know, putting the "terror" in terrorism. 2) That the people on his side necessitated the dratted waste of money in the first place, which could have been spent better elsewhere.

When Bill quotes the Big J himself: "Take heed that no man deceive you," I would recommend that Bill include himself among his potential deceivers.

Another Bible Prophecy Today writer, Nathan Jones, also picks up the story and then immediately drops in on his foot. His title, whether chosen or assigned by an editor, reveals the depth of the delusion: "Homeland Security Labels Bible Prophecy Students Terrorists."

Check it, bro:
Are you a student of Bible prophecy who has discovered that the Bible teaches the planet will soon be under the control of the one-world government of the Antichrist before Jesus comes and institutes His one-world government?
This, actually, seems to me to be an offshoot of the type of claims made in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which are similarly scary, incoherent and messed up. There may be a hint of traditional anti-Catholicism behind it too (who exactly is going to take over the world is never clear). But seriously, every generation has thought that the end was nigh and every last fucking one of them was dead wrong. Deal with it like a big kid.
Do you believe the Bible teaches murdering our children is wrong...
Then you clearly never read the story about Abraham and Isaac.
...and homosexuality destroys lives and that we should speak out against them?
Do you fail to see how making life miserable for homosexuals, as you do, could be construed as "destroying lives"?
Do you feel the increasing immorality is fueling increasing crime, and wish to defend your children with a firearm?
That first bit is just a tautology, if the word means what I think it does: if crime is immoral, then any increase in crime would be considered an increase in morality. And the question is not one of "defending your family," rather, the document is talking about hoarding AK47s, bazookas and high explosives, ding-dong.
Do you love America and want to see it obey its own Constitution limiting federal power and enforcing its own immigration laws?
I love America! I believe in freedom! I believe in immigration laws! I also know that is not what they are talking about. They are talking about people who want to kill Mexicans for being Mexican.

Are you a military veteran who has bled for the freedom of your country? If you can answer "yes" to just one of these, then you are now considered by America's own Department of Homeland Security to be a "domestic rightwing terrorists."

Well, it seems that the lobotomy took. It's very clear to those of use with intact frontal lobes who is actually being targeted here, and your misconstruing of the events actually fuels the types of delusions that are being addressed in the paper. This is irresponsible and reprehensible. I am casting a voodoo curse on Nathan Jones, because I know just saying it will scare the shit out of him: May you never stop bumping into things and may jock itch dog you all of your days. Haki sulimani.

HJ

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I took the job in Georgia...

Looks like I'm headed to Atlanta. God, I hope they have NPR and Pepsi.

HJ

Addiction in Afghanistan...

This report blew me away this morning. Make sure you listen to it first, instead of reading it. It's utterly depressing.

Oh, also, this one pissed me off yesterday.

HJ

John Hawkins' 25 Acts of Everyday Evil

It was a list at Townhall.com, so there's going to be lots of stupid shit on there. But I'm game.

1) Anonymously emailing death threats.

2) Suing someone who did nothing wrong in order to try to collect a big payday.

I agree. Both of these things are shitty and illegal.

3) Passing on information that you know is a lie about a political opponent.

Ironically, as I mentioned, this was posted on Townhall.com.

4) Posting someone's phone number or address online in an effort to intimidate him or worse yet, in hopes that someone will try to hurt him.

Of course. I did not need someone to tell me this was a shitty thing to do.

5) Putting an earmark in a bill in order to enrich your friends, family, or yourself.

Well, I'll, er, have to monitor myself about that.

6) A witty comedian telling a brilliant joke about how dumb people are to do the right thing.

There is a personal story behind this one, and I can only imagine what that would be.

7) Breaking into a house and encouraging people to engage in squatting.

Huh? Does that happen a lot in your neighborhood?

8) Lying to a woman to get her to sleep with you.

What about being a fucking idiot on the part of the woman?

9) Being an online troll.

Hey!

10) Trying to convince people to do something that's immoral, unethical, or just plain old wrong so that you'll feel better about doing it yourself.

Hold onto this one.

11) Spreading a conspiracy theory you don't believe in to draw in traffic for your website.

Brannon?

12) Spraying graffiti on someone else's property.
Again, this is already illegal.

13) Watching someone drop money on the ground and keeping it instead of giving it back to him.

Well, how else is a poor Ph.D. going to turn a buck, I ask you?

14) A pastor who waters down his Christian beliefs because they conflict with political correctness.

Well, no. Sometimes Christian convictions are abhorrent. Of course just pretending that you are not an abhorrent fuckwit is also just not only shitty but hypocritical.

15) Hacking into someone else's computer.

SHALINI IS A TERRORIST HACKER! For the lulz.

16) Choosing not to help pay for your own children's livelihood.

You can't prove it's mine. It doesn't even look like me. I'm a toad, fer crissakes!

17) Spreading malicious rumors about friends and co-workers.

Insert something clever here, because I can't.

18) Aborting your child because it's inconvenient.

It's an it, not a choice, apparently.

19) Deliberately undermining someone else's marriage.

Again, it takes 2 to tango.

20) Trying to rig an election, win a seat in the courts that you lost at the ballot box, or trying to insure phony votes are counted.

Are you listening, Norm Coleman?

21) An atheist trying to ruin other people's faith in God to make himself feel better about his own unbelief.

This never happens. It's clearly a restatement of #10. You see, this has, from his point of view, the benefit of suggesting that atheists are unhappy and condemning them for being evangelical. What about "An Evangelical Christian trying to convince an atheist to believe because his own Evangelical beliefs, let's face it, are fucktarded"? Also, by misrepresenting atheists, I would say that you are maliciously spreading lies. The irony.

22) Writing a virus that infects someone's computer.

Like the soon-to-be-released "JohnHawkinsWroteThis" virus?

23) Living off the charity of others or the government dole AND feeling no shame over it.

Fucking poor people.

24) Mocking someone whose politics you disagree with right after he dies.

Because they really care? They are DEAD! That's why people die, so you can make fun of them without being sued!

25) Knowingly accusing an innocent person of racism.

Alright where are we. He is telling us to not do a lot of things that are already illegal, that we know are bad and then he engages in some of that unethical behavior himself. Way to go. As I believe the kids are saying: Epic Fail!

HJ