A letter to my nephew...

Dear Shane,

What's wrong with you? I know that you are 4-years old, and 4-year olds do lots of stupid shit. Take me, for instance. I once went into the kitchen cabinet and ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins with the girl who lived across the street. (I'm sure she urged me on. Don't trust girls.) Your dad once stuck an eraser so high up his nose that he had to come home from camp.


He was 8, however, so considering your genetic inheritance, your current situation seems to be at least partially hereditary.

I hear that you are now listening to Rihanna songs. Let me give you a full explanation of the dangerously stupid forces you are dealing with, Shane. I am going to share with you a post that I wrote on June 2 of 2008, when you were only three, and, can you believe it, even dumber! It's called, "Rihanna Needs a Fucking Hearing Aid":

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You know, I thought that Fergie had recorded the goofiest song, "London Bridge." But no, I think Rihanna may have beaten her with an enhanced form of silly, and not just her name. I'm talking about the endlessly irritating song, "Pon De Replay." I have no idea what a "pon" is. I have heard of a tampon, a mysterious wand of freshness whose workings no man was meant to understand. I know what Pong is: awful. I heard this song for the first time today and searched by "Come Mr DJ," and, quite frankly, I thought that the first couple dozen hits that were returned were typos. Then I realized that was statistically impossible. The song is apparently written in some long lost creole.

Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

Well, we're off to a nightmare. I am trying to decipher what is a "pon de." I thought it might be a contraction of "put on the." But song...pon...de ... what language is this? And "wantin some more what?" Well, what? Which what do you want, you precious inarticulate thing?

it goes 1 by 1 even 2 by 2

Pronoun references are things that other people do, right Rihanna? I'm about to get all 2-by-4 on your ass. Or, in words you'll understand, "walkdark pon de lumberpunch."

everybody on the floor let me show you how we do
lets go dip...

Wait, wait, wait! Do WHAT? How you do what? Not finish sentences?!? I'm sorry, but this hurts me. Alright, let's continue.

lets go dip it low then you bring it up slow
wind it up 1 time wind it back once more

Ah, a riddle! What can you wind twice that you may dip, Grasshopper?

Run, Run, Run, Run

"Someone's got a gun!"

Everybody move run
Lemme see you move and
Rock it til the grooves done

Are you dancing or running? Rihanna? How's the DJ gonna turn it up if he's running. Just saying.

Shake it til the moon becomes the sun (Sun)

Ah, now we're talking my language: astronomy! Yay. There is a sense in which this is not completely and totally inept use of metonymy, if metonymy means what I think it does. The sun is in its prime, shining away all happy, but because it is not interesting, er, massive enough to go supernova, in its dotage, the sun is going to swell into a red giant, the diameter of which will be larger than the orbit of Mars. At that point, Earth is going to be inside the orbit, and will collide with the particles inside the sun, slow down and fall into its center. This will also happen to the moon, and so the moon will become the sun. So, Rihanna is basically commanding...someone...to shake it for approximately 7.5 billion years. Good luck with that.

Everybody in the club give me a run (Run)

Quick! Snag her pantyhose! Rihanna has commanded it!

If you ready to move say it (Yeah Yeah)

No! Say, "It!"

One time for your mind say it (Yeah Yeah)

"Is it a code?"

Well i'm ready for ya
Come let me show ya
You want to groove im'a show you how to move
Come come

I like how she can just drop Ibo words into the middle of a sentence and still land a major record deal.

[Hook x2:]
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

[B-Sec x2:]
Hey Mr.
Please Mr. DJ
Tell me if you hear me
Turn the music up

This is the point that I realized that something was wrong with her. She has now asked for the DJ to turn the music up, by my count, 8 times. She also has asked the DJ if he can hear him twice. It seems to me that there is a good chance that the DJ can't hear her because the music is so loud at this point, and she still has a hard time hearing it. I think that maybe Rihanna has ruptured her eardrums, and should have her ears tested by a licensed audiologist. I did that once last year. The wife of one of my friends was training to be a speech pathologist and was giving free ear exams. I found out that I am partially deaf in my left ear (I can't hear high tones). On a sort of related note, yesterday the guy who put tubes in my ears when I was in 1st grade died. I don't remember the tubes being put in, but I remember him putting me on my back in his office and reaching in and unsuccessfully trying to pry them out of my head without anesthesia. I have mixed feelings about what happened.

[Verse 2:]
It goes 1 by 1 even 2 by 2

Wait a sec...this is verse one!

Everybody in the club gon be rockin when i'm through
Let the bass from the speakers run through ya sneakers
Move both ya feet and run to the beat

Are we running in place? This isn't a dance club. This is Jazzercizing! I expect that Richard Simmons is going to come flouncing out and say, "C'mon girls! Keep it up!"

Then she commands us to shake our butts for another 7.5 billion years (please not to this fucking song, Rihanna!), and then reiterates her inability to hear the music 6 more times:

[Hook x2:]
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

[B-Sec x2:]
Hey Mr.
Please Mr. DJ
Tell me if you hear me
Turn the music up

I have a feeling we are in the home stretch....

[x4]
Okay everybody get down if you feel me
Put your hands up to the ceiling

Now, if I have gotten down, home can I put my hands up on the ceiling? Your Sisyphean groove is cruel and, by my calculation, now officially lasts longer than the current age of the universe.

[Hook x2:]
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

I don't know why you are saying "Mr. DJ." Chances are the DJ is some pimply high schooler making minimum wage for some mobile DJ service. Take it from me, a former pimply high schooler making minimum wage for some mobile DJ service, if he has to hear your damned refrain one more time...well, you know how prom ends in Carrie, right?


I still have the dang song in my head, however.

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So, you see, Shane, Rihanna is a fucking idiot. Stop it. Stop it now, or I'm going to come back to St. Louis and take your GeoTrack toys away.

There, that should take care of it.

HJ