Meditations on Big Muff Pi

I just picked up this classic fuzz pedal:


I really have gone pedal crazy since I arrived in Atlanta. I've gotten five new ones and repaired one. You would probably recognize this sound if you heard it. The pedal has great tonal range. The Big Muff and Crybaby (wah pedal) sound great together. But these little toys are just to rouse my appetite; they are little hors d'oeuvres of awesome. I have my eye on the prize and am saving my pennies for a Gibson Les Paul I hope to get next year.

Tonight, in trying to communicate with the sales-creature at the store, I realized that I don't in fact speakee the languagee of the guitaree. Formal instruction? Terminology? Sod it. In fact, when I was talking about my pedals to the scruffy lad behind the counter tonight, I referred to them collectively as my "thingy, you know, the guitar thingy." "Set up?" he suggested. "If that suits you, " I sniffed, "And gift wrap it for me, boy. I like to open presents." Then he punched me, but when I woke up in the parking lot, I had an effects pedal the size of last year's phone book lodged in my colon. I had mixed feelings about this.

Come to think of it, I'm not entirely convinced that the words that guitarists use to describe their sound effects actually have meanings. I have a feeling that fawning over a pedal's Ohms (or whatever) is the guitarist version of going to the car dealership, not having the foggiest clue about how a car works, and kicking the tires approvingly. (I also do that.)

I have decided that if you string associated guitar words together, you can make even knowledgelessness sound convincingly not-poseur. For instance, take my description of the Big Muff Pi as having great "tonal range." You can not deny that the pedal has a tone knob (see picture), and that you can turn it, getting all sorts of tones, which would be in, technically, a "range of tones." But, being an English teacher, I noticed an opportunity to be more concise and use the word "tonal," which means, "relating to that tone knob." So when I said that it had "great tonal range," I really only said that I had figured out how to turn the pretty knob.

There are a number of meaningless or misleading guitar terms:

"Distortion" has a meaning, but I'm pretty sure it is the same as "overdrive," and neither of them means anything else.

"Compression" is unrelated to attack, but is springier.

Springy is also meaningless.

"Clean," as far as I can tell, means "boring."

A whammy pedal, I was disappointed, to learn, does not put a hex on those who disapprove of your playing.

Now, for those of you who are a little more advanced, I would point out that "digital delay" is a real thing. It is reverb. But moreso. (Somewhere right now, a single tear is running down Slash's cheek. Of course nobody can see it behind his mane, but it's there. Oh, yes. It's there. Axl, go fetch him a tissue.)

As best I can tell, most guitarists think that there are 3 parts to a guitar signal: the high part, the middle part and the low part. You can fuck with the high middle and low part selectively, or you can get a wah pedal and fuck with all three them all at once.

My next pedal may well be a Meatwad. This effect literally vomits notes at your audience.

The only pedal that does anything that anyone understands is the volume pedal; in my experience, it is used primarily to decrease the size of an audience.

All amps are precisely the same, and the only way to differentiate between them is by price. This means you want the most expensive one. All of your better guitar players have the more expensive amps.

There. I have now introduced you to the world of guitar terminology. You are welcome.

HJ