HJHOP to Sen. Lamar Alexander: Don't make a "people I'm going to have killed" list

Dear Sen. Alexander,

It is with some urgency that I write to you and stress how important it is that you do not keep a list of people you intend to kill. Every single time such a document has surfaced, it has proven to be a great impediment to effective leadership for the keeper of the list. Unless you fancy yourself a teeny Stalin, in which case, it is really only to be expected that you would keep such a list.

I would also like to urge you to not keep a list of children you, Sen. Lamar Alexander, would personally enjoy sodomizing. Deciding ahead of time which children you intend to slip your senatorial meat into really is a barrier to effective child molesting and precludes many opportunities to get away with the goodies. And if you must keep such a list, Senator, be flexible and be prepared to seize on any opportunity.

While we are at it, I would emphasize how vital it is that you do not keep a Rolodex of preferred male and female hookers, whom you have rated by "Kiss on mouth?" and "Willingness to crap on me." While such items are of immense practical value when you need to get your freak after watching child pornography, you never know into whose hands such a list will fall and therefore it is best that you simply memorize that information.

And I would be remiss if I did not remind you to avoid keeping an itemized list of bribes you are willing to take. At the very least, don't let it sit out on your desk.

With all due respect,

HJ