We'll have to put her down....

I have often fantasized about how my Saturn and I would part ways. In my favorite version of our separation, I take my bag out of the trunk, reach in, pull out a lighter, toss it in the back seat and walk away as the car burns. There is something about that that is...right and pure.

Of course, there is always shipping it to the Mythbusters.

But my little Saturn's days are coming to an end. Her later years have been embarrassing, and were she a little old lady, she would have called Dr. Kevorkian long ago. I think that the most awkward part of her waning years has been the systematic failure of numerous latches, the number of which I have to say is rather startling. First was the little latch on the middle arm rest. This was not too bad, however, since gravity kept the little lid in place. Think of it as a gray hair...easily covered up. But then she was in a little accident, and her front got a little saggy. As a result, the hood didn't quite fit, and it was really a tiny pain to sneak your fingers under to release the hood.

Soon, her glove box gave way, and now it hangs open like the mouth of a catatonic geriatric patient. Then, a few week ago, the clasp that keeps the cover to the gas tank closed snapped off, and driving down the street, I image that people look away in much the way they would when an old man shuffles down the street with his fly open.

The list of trifles that have cropped up is endless. When it is warm, the knob on the window crank comes off in my hand. One by one, the little plastic adjusty bits on the air vents break off so that the vents are fixed pointing away from me. Now when I open the door when it is hot, the inside panel of the driver side door, the whole plastic inside, peels away, and I have to shove it back into place when I finally pry it open. The windows don't stay rolled up of their own accord and sneak down a little bit overnight. The steering wheel padding is worn out on one side. The seats are split. Your Saturn probably has a little doodad around the door lock, but mine fell off, and I just stick my key into a hole in the door.

Also, just to get her back and running in tip top shape, without touching any of those cosmetic things, it would cost at least $2500. Just not worth it. What I'm saying is that for all of her years (I got her in 1998), I think that the merciful thing to do would be to put her out to pasture. Or maybe on the lawn of some kind worm farmer.

I am tired of driving a piece of crap. I have money for a downpayment on a used car. I'm thinking $3000-4000 down and getting a really low monthly payment. If anyone knows of a Bugatti Veyron in that range, let me know. I know that there have only been a couple hundred made since 2005, but I really want to drive a car that has a launch button and goes so fast that I can't process the passing landscape.

I want a Trabant. This is a little East German car. I think that they are cool. They look like a 1960s Opel, and I would be happy with one of those. Any unlikely car fetishes out there?

HJ