Southern Baptists: "AHHHH!!! MASONS!!!!! RUN!!!!"

What, is this fucking 1870?

The Masons. The fucking Masons.

Fuck.

It comes from Brannon Howse's site. Hey, Brannon! Fix your fucking formatting! You've had years!

It begins with a prologue:

The following resolution on freemasonry has been submitted to the Resolution Committee of the Southern Baptist for consideration. The last time such a resolution made it to the floor of the convention they dodged the issue by saying they don't dictate to the churches.

Freemasonry is very popular in the south and chances are this resolution will not make it through the committee. Interesting how Christians want God to bless America but our church denominations--will not take a stand on such a clear cut issue as the occultism of freemasonry.

By Shatner's thundering trousers! Is Brannon going to make me defend the Southern Baptists? Well, no.

Freemasonry and Current Events

"...Have nothing to do with one another?"

Whereas, Freemasonry has been featured in the National Treasure movies over the last few years; and

"...Whereas, that was just a movie, and most people are capable of parsing reality and shitty Nicholas Cage films"?

Whereas, Freemasonry is currently the subject of documentaries on such TV channels as the History Channel and A&E, as well as other TV channels; and

"...Whereas the standards for what constitutes a 'documentary' on the History Channel have been lowered to such gems as Did Aliens Build the Pyramids? and Hitler's Pets"?

Whereas, Freemasonry and other secret societies have been mentioned in the widely read books, Angels and Demons and The DaVinci Code, written by Dan Brown; and

"Whereas, those books were really, truly and staggeringly awful, and because people left to their own devices have no taste (as evidenced by greasy preacher hair and fondness for country music)"?

Whereas, Dan Brown's next book, The Lost Symbol, to be released in September of this year, will almost certainly feature Freemasonry as indicated in the code found on the jacket of The DaVinci Code; and

"Whereas, whoever wrote this thing clearly handled a copy of The DaVinci Code and is therefore now probably a Masonic subversive and should be burned as a witch"?

Whereas, the publication of this new book scheduled to have a phenomenal first edition of five million books, will no doubt renew interest in this subject; and

"Whereas, clearly millions of people were driven into the clutches of Masonry because of the first two books"?

Whereas, the North American Mission Board (NAMB) has published a document, A Bridge to Light: An Examination of the Religious Teachings of the Scottish Rite, which states that "many of the religious teachings presented in A Bridge to Light are incompatible with Biblical Christianity", such as "A Bridge to Light Teaches a Works Salvation," and "A Bridge to Light Denies the Uniqueness of Jesus" (see NAMB.net); and

Whereas, the North American Mission Board has also produced another document, A Comparison Chart - Freemasonry and Christianity, which states that "the teaching that followers of non-Christian religions will also go to heaven is prominent in Freemasonry" (see NAMB.net).

"Whereas, Bing couldn't find this document; and that just the mere thought that someone might let Muslims and Hindus into the Country Club in the Sky is enough to make us shop around for a more bigoted deity, one, you know, "like us" who won't bring down property values by waking us up every morning with calls to prayer and letting their cows wander free and poop in our front yards"?

Be it Therefore lovingly and prayerfully Resolved, That Southern Baptists refrain from membership in Masonic lodges in light of the underlying philosophies which contradict "the faith which was once delivered unto the saints."

Lovingly and prayerfully resolved? I don't know, but this really strikes me as...parliamentary kitsch. As an English teacher, I am opposed to unnecessary words, which happens to include all Dan Brown novels. You would think that I would be able to build something in common with the SoBaps with that foundation. But they contuinue to construct monuments to complete goof.

I say we submit a resolution banning SoBaps from eating werewolf meat.

HJ