Press Release: War on Christmas Declared!

Statement before Congress delivered by Allied Hellbound Supreme Commander-in-Chief Bing McGhandi:

Today, November 12th, 2008, a date that will live in infamy, the United States was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the North Pole.

The United States was at peace with that Nation and, at the solicitation of the North Pole, was still in conversation with its Government and Jesus, looking toward the maintenance of peace during the upcoming holiday season. Indeed, one hour after Polar reindeer squadrons had commenced bombing in Alaska, the Polar Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack. It actually said, "Merry Christmas."

It will be recorded that the distance of Alaska from the North Pole makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many hours or even days ago. During the intervening time the Polar Government had deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace and a happy New Year.

The attack yesterday on the Aleutian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between godless San Francisco and that tropical Gomorrah, Honolulu.

Yesterday the Polar Government also launched an attack against Minnesota.

Last night Polar forces attacked Vermont.

Last night Polar forces attacked Montana for some reason.

Last night Polar forces attacked Rhode Island.

Last night the Poles attacked the Dakotas.

The North Pole has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Northern areas of this country. The facts of today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our Nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us Shatner.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Santa on Wednesday, November twelfth, a state of war has existed between the United States and the North Pole.

Stay tuned for dispatches from the front on the this total war on Christmas as this global crisis unfolds. I would welcome the contributions of correspondents in the field. We now return to our regularly scheduled snarkery.

HJ

To be continued