On the First Day of the War on Christmas...

The Forces of Good Cheer pressed their dastardly attack against the United States and her allies today, twenty-four hours following their unannounced and cowardly strike at American military installations in the Aleutian Islands. The enemy caught our peace-loving nation its heals and her armies are marching almost unchallenged across the Northern regions of this continent.

Alaska:

Enemy troops are on the move across Northern Alaska, Eskimo coast-watchers report, and are making rapid headway against token resistance. Alaska has been left largely undefended as Gov. Sarah Palin, upon hearing that Polar forces had attacked her state, ordered the Alaskan National Guard to invade Poland.

Also, we are at war with Poland now.

The Alaskans, even though their numbers are small and their population is dispersed, are more heavily armed than most national armies. Nonetheless, their valiant effort at a scorched-earth retreat, denying quarter and comfort to the enemy as he advances, was hampered by the fact that there is almost nothing in Alaska to burn.

Elven ground units staged an en masse amphibious landing at the base of the Alaskan Peninsula, in the southwestern corner of the state. The main landing seems to have taken place at Nanek, though word from Kodiak Island indicated that a major landing had occurred there. We are trying to raise our correspondents and will report as soon more information becomes available.The Lower 48:

Canada has folded like Belgium and Polar forces now occupy all major cities and towns, preparing a cross-border attack expected at any time now. Most disturbingly, the province of Quebec (or as it is now known, Vichy Canada) has retained limited autonomy under a puppet government, which, as you may expect from an army made up almost entirely of Christmas elves, means that the province is run by actual puppets.

Vichy Canada's Vice Premier Petian (left) and Minister of War, Bobbles.

HJ