What a wonderful world it would be...
I apologize in advance for my lack of recent posts. I know that when I don't get a fix of my usual reads, I start axe-murdering entire families and puppies. Of course, I'm obsessive compulsive and have an excuse. It's not as if I have had too many other obligations this week, really. I mean, I had a baby's birthday party today. The little nipper is got all Jackson Pollock on me with a nacho chip (and then an uncle) drenched in cheese. And there is what seems to be a never-ending series of dogsitting stints at my parents' place. Hell, the dogs should be old enough to take care of themselves by now. At least when there is dogsitting there is usually a Mythbusters marathon on. But we soldier on.
For years now, I have kept a dummy email address that I use whenever a web site wants to send me a confirmation email, when I sign a petition, or when I send filthy letters to Lisa Edelstein (Lisa--why do you never call?). As a result, I have managed to keep my work email account largely free of spam. Recently, however, I changed to gmail, and the second that I joined, the spam folder started filling. I'll say that their filter is really really good, if only occasionally overzealous.
My spam comes in three flavors, exactly three flavors. The first promises to give me the wedding tackle of an amorously engorged bull elephant. This type of spam, I imagine, is really common. The second type is truly strange; it is pushing knock-off watches--whooda thunk?
The last type is email from another dimension, where the news closely approximates our own Earth news but with a surreal twist. And these are the what I want to share with you today. Because there is an alternate universe in crisis and only YOU can help!
THIS ELDERLY WHITE MAN WANTSYOU
to pull his finger
and help the aliens
from the parallel universe.
This first spam in my mail box reads: "John McCain: 'I promise to invade your vaginas." This one at first glance seems plausible, except that McCain would never be so polite to use the word "vaginas."
The next one filled me with hope: "Heather Mills McCartney Arrested." Oh, if only. That one-legged gold digging former young person is, by all media accounts, staggeringly unpleasant. You know when I turned against her? When on Dancing with the Stars (she's a star?) they referred to her as "philanthropist Heather Mills." Like she ever washed a homeless person. Maybe the blood and brain matter of a homeless person off of her high heel, but never a homeless person. Of course, the Onion one-upped the parallel universe: "Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit on Eleanor Rigby."
This one is disturbing, and I suspect that it comes from the Taliban-infested regions of the parallel universe: "Set your wife on fire." OK, it's another Viagra ad, but still, not exactly responsible advertising.
The next email got stuck in a time warp en route from the parallel universe: "Hurricane Strikes Louisiana, Thousands Dead." Which merely prooves that Louisiana sucks in the other dimension too.
The next one came from a student newspaper in the parallel universe, and, ironically, I think that the writer was drunk when he wrote this headline: "College girl caught drinking piss on tape while pissed drunk." Was she pissed and drunk and drinking piss, do you think? How could this possibly interest me? I mean, I already have 4 gigabytes of college girls drinking piss, thank you very much. Any more would just be overkill. And 5 gigs of "Thugs Piss on Corpses." I mean, where do you even find corpses lying about other than my storage cage in the basement of my apartment?
Apparently, the disreputable History Channel is in charge of the media on the other side of the great dimensional divide: "Theodore Roosevelt was a gay man." Also, vaguely amusing was the announcement that "Batman is gay. Watch the proof." Duh. I mean, clearly not leather gay, but more of a "I drink a good port and then have a bear beat me with a bullwhip while I hang upside down" sort of gay.
In the parallel universe, Jessica Alba is never clothed, which actually does not strike me as a completely bad thing: "Jessica Alba bikini blooper," "Jessica Alba naked." That silly Jessica Alba.
Even in the netherworld, which I am starting to think of as "hell itself," people sell stupid shit on ebay: "eBay lists another cheese sandwich." This string of Virgin Marys appearing on grilled cheese sandwhiches needs to be stopped.
Here's a cheery one: "Brave Suicide Bomber Survives Blast!" My thought is that "brave" is not quite the right word. "Inept" seems more inappropriate.
That's it for tonight. Hopefully, the government won't sue me for using pictures from their family photo album.
HJ
Seed Newsvine
7 comments:
I wonder what you have to do to get that 3rd category of spam. I get the first two, but not the third. Can I trade the two I get for the weird ones?
Gee, I'd say I'm with Ben, but I don't get spam. Well, I got it when Monty Python sang about it, but I don't get it in my g-mail account. Sometimes, when I sign up for a newsletter, the first copy goes to my spambox, and there's a brief glimmer of hope... but no. I want to hear about McCain's Patriotic Ejaculations too!
"When the US invades Vagina, in response to the troubling developments along the Mongolian-Japanese border, only I know how to maintain a firm position with stiff resolve for 100, hell, 1000 years. Screw the bitch! Hey! Get off my lawn!" CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS AND A MANLY PART LIKE A SPERM WHALE'S
**sniffff**
Brilliant as always, Bing!
For the record Bing, those enlargement ads for "that certain part of the male body" don't...uh...work...I've been..ahem...told. I have no anecdotal or other facts to establish this, but I imagine drinking piss doesn't help the breasts to grow, raise the dead or re-grow legs. Piss can possibly be used to extinguish a burning wife and definitely will ruin a knock-off watch bought through email and totally dampen a cheese sandwich with or without depictions of biblical characters embedded in the bread.
McCain will invade a vajayjay, but only if he's not married to it.
I hope this helps you not to feel too ill informed by not reading your spam.
The reason why you're getting so much spam now is pretty simple, really. The school's email addresses get lots of spam. You didn't see most of it until the transition to Gmail because the school applied fairly aggressive spam filters to all the email going through. And by aggressive, I mean really aggressive. When I finally got access to my spam folder, which wasn't easy to do, I found emails from the department chair sent from her school address. I found emails from various colleagues sent from their school addresses. I had requests to contribute to an edited collection--the editors finally gave up assuming I wasn't interested and by the time I wrote to them, it was too late. I had lots of important email the school blocked without any kind of notification or way for me to make sure they weren't blocking important email. The didn't give us access until Feb. after my first serious year on the market. I had to wonder, did I miss dossier requests because of the school's spam filters? Did I miss MLA interview requests because of the spam filters? I could have tried to access older spam, but, quite frankly, I didn't want to know.
With the switch to Gmail, there's a lot more spam because Gmail wants you to teach it what is and isn't spam. It's a pain, because those .edu email addresses get flooded with spam (as opposed to my personal Gmail account), but we get to check to make sure it isn't silently labeling as spam messages we really want.
Wow.
That sucks.
Of course, the department chair is notorious for sending out emails with titles like "throbbing partyboys".
That also pisses me off a little, buy which I mean more than a little.
HJ
"buy" which? "buy" which?
I'm just starting my own freaking orthography here.
Grr.
Damn you homophones!!!!
HJ
i get chinese and hebrew spam
Post a Comment