Dear Brannon Howse...

You know, I've always, since about 5 minutes ago, wanted to be an advice columnist, especially now that Brannon and Penis Prevention Brigade at Worldview Weekend have started to solicit stories about...what exactly? Barnes and Noble. Basically, he's telling people to go look at porn and then tell him stories about it.

Brannon is a busy guy, what with the black helicopters chasing him and, let's face it incomprehensible fits of apoplexy don't have themselves, so I thought that I would take up the slack and answer some of his email. The first one comes from John in Rochester, MN:

Dear Brannon,

After hearing the story about what happened in Collierville, Tennesee my wife and I decided to look into our own Barnes and Noble to see where we would identify the same book. What we found horrified me. Next to the Geography and Sociology section, was the section that the book belonged (Gay and Lesbian). Granted this was not near the children's section which is distinctly separated from all other sections and no bathrooms next to it. However, we found the book not on the top shelf or even near it. It was plainly seen at knee level (I stand 6' 2" so this would be around 2 feet high at most) with no cellophane wrapping and where any 3 year old could reach out and grab it. In addition, we identified 4 other very pornographic books right next to it. That being said, apart from my local Minnesota state and federal legislators who would you recommend I contact to review our local pornography ordinances and look into this issue. It really terrified me that it was that readily available for any child to reach. I am attaching my contact information so I can proceed forward on this:

John M.

Thanks!

Dear John,

Thanks for writing in. Also, what the fuck is your problem? It's in a clearly marked section, and, as you say, not near the children's section and not near any bathrooms, where vile child molesting, porn reading homosekshuls could sodomize goats with impunity. Most people who would be interested and who could understand the book, including hormonally deranged teenagers, you betcha, would certainly be able to get their hands on the book no matter which shelf it was on. Indeed, the best way for a book to escape attention of a patron may well be to put it on a low shelf. Should a small child get their hands on the book, they won't understand what it is. See? No worries. Let me give you an example of how truly fucking stupid children are. When I was a little child, I loved the movie On the Town. For a 4-year old like me, Gene Kelly's singing and dancing was a delight. The danced in a museum (where there were dinosaurs and models of Neanderthals, which you probably don't approve of), ran around town looking for Ms. Turnstiles and meeting all sorts of crazy people while being chased by the police. It was not until college that I realized the movie was about 3 sailors trying to get laid on shore leave. Unless they are already schooled somehow, and even then they have a hard time comprehending it, the kids won't realize the significance of the books that they are looking at.

You also say that you were really terrified. Grow a fucking backbone, you puss.

Bing

Our next letter comes from Tonya. Tonya also lives in a Rochester, only it is Rochester, NY this time.

Dear Brannon,

Hi I am in disgust of this story and a similar thing happened to me as I was in the Rochester NY Barnes and Noble. I was with my 15 yr. old daughter just wandering around as she looked for a particular present. and right in front of me with the cover facing me, was a large "coffee" table book at the eye level of a child. In order for you to understand the disgust I have to share the title as embarrassing as it is....( the art of oral sex.) The cover itself was invading. I never would have imagined there would be such a book like this there. To my ignorance, I didn't even think there was a category like this in the store just one isle over from the main isle. I felt victimized and angry. I went to the manger to complain, and was told that corporate tells us how to put the books out. Basically it was a "deal with it" attitude.

I notified my county executive via e-mail, but there was no response. There has to be a way to warn parents that these books are available and openly displayed and not in any type of secluded area.

Please keep me updated, on your 'boycott'. I have done my own personal boycott and haven't returned since the incident 6 months ago.

Thank You and God Bless,

Tonya

Dear Tonya,

I don't know where you went to "grade school," but there I hope it was not a private school because you did not get your money's worth. You have a bad case of Evangelical Formatting, which is a sexlessly transmitted learning disability transmitted primarily at churches and tractor pulls. Sure you like your reader to know which words are IMPORTANT to you, but you really have forgotten everything that we learned in fifth grade about the proper use of quotation marks, underlining, italics and capital letters.

Take for instance the "'coffee' table book" to which you referred. The way that you have formatted it, you are suggesting that "some people call it coffee, but it's really not." This, of course, is retarded. I'm glad that you think that you have been able to shield your 15 year old daughter from noticing that boys and girls are different. It must be nice to live in absolute denial, and I envy you.

The cover is invading? To the barricades!
If she's invading, I surrender, baby.

I do want to congratulate you on your first visit to a bookstore. I hope that you will come back. Ask someone at the desk for Strunk and White's Manual of Style, which you desperately need.

Also, I imagine that your county executive has other more important things to do, like flick pennies at his secretary's ass or something.

I can, however, offer you one bit of consolation. Not all adults are as completely and utterly ignorant as you are; most of them know that there is a gay/adult/sexuality section in a lot of major bookstores and they plan accordingly. I'm sorry that you felt victimized by the cover, but how exactly did you have your daughter in the first place? If you want to be technical about what is happening on that cover, they are abstaining. Funny, huh?

Also, it doesn't count as a boycott if you weren't ever going to go anyway.

Bing

Thanks for writing in! Keep those letters coming--as soon as Brannon posts them, I'll field them!

HJ