Brannon Howse: "I can't back up anything I said."

Intellectual powderpuff pastor Brannon Howse sent out another email taking his crusade against the penis to the next level. For something he feels so passionate about, he sure recycles a lot of shit from his last letter.

Here's the story, as I reported it two days ago. Brannon is concerned that highly literate sodomites at his Barnes and Noble are gunning to make his teenaged son, Chunk, gay and have "ruined his purity" (which, if you tease that inept metaphor out, means that his son is currently defective). The evidence? Someone had put a book with pictures of naked men "doing what they do" out on a table. B&N's fault? Fuck no. Does this mean that Brannon will react reasonably? Even more fuck no. He's calling for a jihad on Barnes and Noble.

Brannon, I am so going to be the stink to your shit, you myopic diaper load.

His new email opens with:

Click here to sign the petition

Please forward to everyone in your address book. Please alert your church and direct them to www.worldviewweekend.com for more details.

When you click to sign the petition, it takes you to a page from which you can purchase tons of Brannon Howse merchandise. Seriously. Not counting links to his traveling religious freak shows, on that page alone Brannon tries to sell you 26 pieces of merchandise which he will be happy to let you have for the bargain-basement price of $678.72, the equivalent to 2 full tanks of gas. Except that gas is useful. Make no mistake: Brannon Howse is directing as many people as he can to his cash cow website. Powder blue Hitlerjugend shirts do not pay for themselves, you know.

His story has changed in the last 48 hours in new, increasingly sensational ways. And it's underlined (in the traditional style of unhinged fundamentalist nutjobs), so you know that it must be true:

I believe some homosexual or child predator was trolling and using the book to find a date or victim. The assistant manager told me a young boy had been sexually assaulted in the bathroom at this store and the man was never caught. She also said they had found a gun on the counter in the bathroom on another occasion.

You also believe that snakes can talk, that people routinely catch rides in the belly of whales and
that dinosaurs and people lived together like on the Flintstones. Whatever. Where is your FUCKING EVIDENCE YOU TIT? You made up a criminal (or just some gay guy--you don't see the difference), imagined that he was mentally undressing your son (or you), and then planted a gun in the bathroom. WHY THE FUCK was that tiny detail left out of your first article, buddy? You don't care whether or not this figment of your imagination was gay or a child predator--there is a huge difference, and your not knowing difference is testimony to your ignorance. And who the fuck just leaves a gun around?

Let's pretend that the stupidest Assistant Manager in the world works at your Barnes and Noble, and that she was confiding all of the dark criminal underworld dealings at the bookstore (heh). Let's pretend that there was a gun on the counter at some point in the past. Let's say that there has been a child rape in the bathroom. Let's say there was a gun found. Logically, you should be protesting the SECURITY at the Barnes and Noble, not the pornography! You are totally missing the point and not making anyone physically safer at all. I'm reading a book about another plague, only this time not your completely noisome brand of pseudo-Christianity, but of cholera in 1850s London. The self-proclaimed medical experts of the day believed that "miasma"--bad odors--caused the disease that decimated a neighborhood. Bad odors, of course, were a feature of the slums, which had an Elizabethan sewer system. These public officials relentlessly pursued the completely harmless offensive odor while the waterborne bacteria in the local water pump continued to kill wily-nilly. I have no idea why you are protesting pornography when the problem is clearly violence. Perhaps I am underestimating your retardation, though that is difficult to conceive.

My police department does not have a record of either incident which was very disturbing to a police investigator I talked with.

"I HAVE NO EVIDENCE!!!" You have as much evidence for these imaginary crimes as you do for the Easter Bunny, Brannon. Stop embarrassing yourself.

I guess a gun in the bathroom and a sexual assault of a child would not be good publicity so not reporting it would be better?

Well, then telling it to an irate and unstable whackjob like yourself makes perfect sense, then.

I returned to the Barnes and Noble the next day to document the placement of their pornographic books. I have three places where books that included pictures of either homosexual porn or heterosexual porn were placed throughout their bookshelves. One section of books was low enough that my five year old could have pulled them from the shelf.

Look after your five year-old, you shitty parent. No, that would require you to not be wandering around the story looking for things to piss you off. You suck at life.

I am booked on numerous national radio programs this week. It is really too bad for Barnes and Noble that this happen to my son because I will use what most fathers don't have at their disposal....a national audience and friends who have big radio programs, TV programs and huge e-mail alert systems.

That's true: you don't need a case to have any merit to get before a national audience these days. This was my favorite line:

A friend of mine read my original article and called to thank me for taking this public because his elementary son has entered into this bathroom by himself a few times.

"...And he exited perfectly fine!!!" You don't know what evidence is, Brannon. If you did, you would have some.

Stay tuned. This douchebag is determined to humiliate himself. Can't fucking wait.

HJ