Fergie's London Bridge: Worst Lyrics Ever

I was going through the radio stations on my way to pick up some hookers and meth, and this song comes on by...it sounded like Fergie, but I wasn't sure.



It wasn't the identity of the singer (or, in this case, yelper) that befuddled me so much as the lyrics, which, as best I could tell made "I Am the Walrus" sound as cogent as "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party."

So I looked it up and it was She of the Perfect Belly. But the lyrics were so odd that I had to look them up a second time, just to make sure. The transcription was apparently right.

It starts with a little dialog, which you could graft seamlessly onto any number of Beckett plays:

Ohhhhh
It’s me, Fergie
The Pimp!
Paulo!
Fergie Ferg, what's up, baby?

[Verse 1]
When I come to the club, step aside.
Part the seas,

Fergie Ferg arrives at the club

[...] don’t be havin' me in the line.
V.I.P., ‘cause you know I gotta shine.
I’m Fergie Ferg, and me love you long time.

OK, I think that she is trying to get into a dance club or something, but she is going to suck off Charlton Heston to get to the front. I think that is what it means. Because the "me love you long time" is a reference to a Vietnamese hooker in Full Metal Jacket. That line was later picked up by 2 Live Crew in the song "Me So Horny" (another thing that the hooker says), which popularized the phrase and brought it into public usage and is probably where Fergenstein's monster first heard it. So she is going to give sucky-sucky. This is my theory.

All my girls get down on the floor

She brought her children?!?

Back to back, drop it down real low.
I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho,
‘Cause you know
I don’t give a fuck, so here we go!

When she says that she does not give a fuck, she is talking about finishing her thought about a lady dancing ho-ishly. But the whore reference I think confirms the sucky-sucky in the line and the Full Metal Jacket reference.

[Chorus]
How come every time you come around,
My London, London Bridge wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…

???!!!??? This is where the song lost me. I was all aboard with that slinky skanky stuff, but this...it doesn't mean anything. Her...Does she have a London Bridge? And it wants to do things.."go down"...I think that she means something naughty....OH SHIT!! It's the dance the two ho-ishly dancing girls are doing back to back, dancing lower and lower. I get it. Wow, that was a reach, Fergus. Because London Bridge is falling down (which would actually be funnier on a dance floor), my fair lady dancing like a ho.

[Bridge]Now As The drinks start pouring,
And my speech start slurring,
Everybody start looking real good.

Subjects and verbs agrees no more. And I think that she is tipping her hand a little too much here, folks.

[Verse 2] Grey goose got your girl feeling loose.
Now I’m wishin’ that I didn’t wear these shoes. (I hate heels)

I like mittens. Dogs have tails. You aren't my dad.

It’s like everytime I get up on the dew,
Paparazzi put my business in the news.

Up on the dew? I'm going to pretend that that means bar, because she was drinking. (I have the feeling that this song was written by Paris Hilton.) Most people would learn that when their poozle ended up in the news, that they should not be dancing on bars.

And I’m like get up out my face, (oh shit)
'fore I turn around and spray your ass with mace. (oh shit)

(Now play the tune "Ring of Fire," in commemoration of getting mace in your tender regions.) And who's saying oh shit? It's probably the producer, since clearly he's realizing at this point that her song sheets are not in the right order. And let's think of the logistics of this confrontation between Fergie and the paparazzo. "Get up out my face" implies that they are face to face. But then she is going to turn around. They are both facing the same direction, him behind her. How is she going to see his ass to mace it with any precision? There is one possibility about how she could be looking in that direction, but staring at his ass, and it is at the event horizon of a black hole. At that point, light would orbit the black hole, not quite falling in. But it also does some mind-bending shit like allowing you to look at your own ass without a mirror. Light that scattered off the paparazzo's ass perpendicular to the pull of gravity could end up in Fergie's eyes. I'm not lying you. So, this is actually making some sort of sense.

My lips make you wanna have a taste. (oh shit)
You got that?
I got the bass.

A taste of mace? Are you flirting with the guy you were about to assault? You're totally bipolar, toots! And get away from that black hole!

[Bridge 2}
Aah, da, da, da, da, do, do, do, do
Me like a bullet type, you know they comin' right
Fergie love em' long time
My girls support right?
Aah, da, da, da, da, do, do, do, do
Me like a bullet type you know they comin' right
Fergie lve em' long time
My girls support right?

"Is it a code?"

Also, "Aah, da, da, da, da, do, do, do, do" is a 21st century "hey nonny nonny."

That's it for tonight, people. I have meetings in the morning. I know it's the weekend, but I have meetings nonetheless.

HJ