I smell something...

It smells of bacon fat and Preparation-H. Could it be, no...wait, I think it is! It's EX-COACH DAVE DAUBENMIRE!!! Yay!

Greasy hemorrhoid Dave Daubenmire used to be something of a regular on this site, but then he got too preachy for the folks over at Worldview Weekend. Yeah. It's pretty bad. But I missed his colorful metaphors. The beer belches and sweaty man-titties I could do without, however.

Anyway, this little can-o-barf really gets me going. His latest stuff, like the classic "Spiritual Diabetes" (did I warn you about the metaphors? I did.), has been a little dry, so I am digging back into the ol' Daubenmire archives. This is called "America Has Lost Her Mind."

As the old United Negro College Fund commercial used to tell us, “the mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Losing one’s mind is even worse.

Or indeed, how terrible it is to have never have had a mind, eh, Dave? Why do I have the feeling that he uses the word "negro" in conversation?

America has lost her mind.

"...She just had it. It was in her hand...she had it when she was in the kitchen. You know, she probably put it somewhere clever thinking that there was no way she was going to forget where it was. Damn it."

What is the mind?

Jesus. I can't believe that this guy taught in a high school before he became such a liability. Well, they never accused him of being any good at it. If he uses a dictionary definition, I'm going to mentally kick him square in the clackers.

It is "the element, part, substance, or process that reasons, thinks, feels, wills, perceives, judges, etc."

Goddamnitalltohell. He writes like one of my freshmen. This, of course, is to be expected. He was, after all, preparing the ill-equipped little buggers.

In most Americans this part of the brain no longer functions.

"By which I mean, of course, the etc..."

For many the loss of our mind is a result of the “mind blowing” experience of the sixties, or from sitting at the feet of the radical Humanists who permeate our nation’s universities, or perhaps from a life filled with Oprah, Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer and the Cable News outlets.

Drugs = a university education = Oprah. Dave, I missed you, you raving lunatic.

The average American no longer thinks. Years in the public-fool system has sucked all ability to use logic and reason out of our populace.

I think that he just admitted that he was a shitty teacher.

Americans have been systematically dumbed-down. “No Tax Dollar Left Behind” had as its goal a slick transformation in educational method. Measure, measure, measure…test, test, test. This is the only way, we were told, to determine whether or not our children are learning.

Before George Bush, testing did not exist. It's amazing that his stupid Jeebus fucking hat doesn't get sucked into the black hole between his ears.

Testing measures rote memory. In other words, for those of you who never learned that word, it means a measurement of WHAT YOU HAVE MEMORIZED.

"Too bad you weren't tested on that bit of vocab...Hang on..."

“Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean.” Today’s “testing” measures whether you can recite the poem, not your ability to analyze the dietary principles enunciated therein. (I used those fancy words so that you would know I still have my mind.)

Unless the test tests comprehension and analysis skills, of course. Dickhole here never heard of an essay test.

Take that, clown.

Logic is the ability to frame an argument based on knowledge. Knowledge is “acquaintance with facts, truths, or principles, as from study or investigation" and reason requires the application of logic in order to determine the validity of a particular theory.

Dave, you will see if you follow his links, had to look these big words up. Stand downwind, won't you, Dave? Fer Chrissakes.

He goes on to quote an online dictionary for a definition of wisdom. He hasn't even bothered to memorize these words (much less attempt to come up with his own serviceable definition)--he just goes and gets his words off the Net! Christ in a can of tuna. With pickles.

[...] All wrong thinking leads to wrong action. The thief thought he would get away with it. The rapist never thought he would get caught. The teenager never thought she would get pregnant.

The cholesterol-clogged barnacle with the whistle never thought that the ACLU would come to town and hand him his own ass on a platter. I wonder why you don't mention anything about the "guy downloading child pornography never thought that the authorities would find out"? Ouch.

Just because you believe something, anything, does not make it true.

DAVE TATTOO THAT BACKWARDS ON YOUR ASS SO YOU CAN READ IT AS YOU CRAM IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!



OH MY GOD I HAVE HAD BOWEL MOVEMENTS MORE SELF-REFLECTIVE THAN YOU ARE DAVE!!! And that card doesn't let you kick an Arab in the nuts, just so you know.

We no longer teach our children HOW to think. Instead, we “coach” them on WHAT to think and then test to measure if the indoctrination has worked. Ooops, “indoctrination,” that is probably another word many are not familiar with. Indoctrination is “teaching someone to accept doctrines without proof.” Everywhere you look we are being indoctrinated. [...]

Like religion, Dave? Sweet Undead Jesus. It's like we scratch the surface of you only to find more surface. So what are we indoctrinating children with, Dave? What falsehoods? I am making none of these up.

A child doesn’t need a mother and a father. Two moms or two dads are fine, because men and women are really no different.

Yeah, he did not take any tests in sex ed class either, apparently.

Global warming kills more people than abortion.

Uh...

A young woman can have an abortion and yet never have regrets about it.

Killing a wanted unborn child is homicide; an unwanted unborn child is choice.

“Choice” is good for unborn children, but bad for born school children.

So, tell me how you feel about abortion. You are like the song "Dear Prudence"--a 1-chord kinda guy.

A child must say no to cigarettes, but it is ok to say yes to sex.

I sense a screenplay--The Four-Year Old Virgin.

Famous people are better than “regular” people.

???

Love is sex and sex is love.

No. Sex is sex and love is love. And sometimes there is love with sex. And sometimes there are nipple clamps.

Condoms will prevent disease.

You think this is a lie? Go fuck yourself, creep.

“Experts” know what is best for the rest of us.

Well, they may know more about something than you do. As do most mildly retarded preschoolers. Putting something in quotes does not make you smarter, Dingus.

Those who believe the Bible are not very well educated.

You said it! Finally, something we can both agree with. Religion damages your mind. Behold:


HJ