Fuck Mike-abee

A CNN headline is going to keep me awake between now and the time when I leave for an interview. Damn you, Wolf Blitzer!!!

Covering the endless rounds of Republican debates, CNN reports that the Mike Huckabee, the bane of Arkansas, is an arrogant Baptist monkey boy, is scientifically illiterate, and has no business spearheading American educational policy. The mere fact that someone so willfully ignorant could be a viable candidate for the highest office in the land makes me doubt how healthy our democracy can possibly be.

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth," said Huckabee, an ordained Baptist minister. "A person either believes that God created the process or believes that it was an accident and that it just happened all on its own."

Well, welcome to an especially simple-minded either-or fallacy coupled with a clear lack of understanding of what evolution entails. Evolution, I repeat tirelessly, is not an "accident" but a law of science so solid you could hang from it with your prehensile tail. I will never understand which part of "things that are well equipped to pass on their genes actually make copies of their genes" Huckabee disagrees with. Please, Governor, please clarify this.

Huckabee also said that if Americans "want a president who doesn't believe in God, there's probably plenty of choices."

Fuck! Where is she? Which one of the 50 current candidates is an atheist?! Please. I missed this one. All I want is to see an atheist invited to one of these debates in my lifetime.

Huckabee later added, "If anybody wants to believe that they are the descendants of a primate, they are certainly welcome to do it."

Thanks, and if you want to believe that the laws or physics, chemistry and biology don't apply to you, well, your alma mater should ask for its diploma back, because there is no way you got through college honestly.

But this slack-jawed yokel isn't ready to go all the way. Oh ye of little faith. This is the creationist dry-hump, or "outercourse."

However, when pressed about whether he believed in a literal interpretation of the timeline laid out in Genesis -- that God created the world in six days about 6,000 years ago -- Huckabee said, "I don't know."

You don't know? You know enough to casually dismiss the results of the scientific process and prefer to accept as God's truth the proclamation of a 6000-year old Nomadic tribe. Deep down, you know how stupid you sound, Mike.

"Whether God did it in six days or whether he did it in six days that represented periods of time, he did it. And that's what's important."

What else could "days" be but periods of time? Measures of the volume of soup?

Let's ask the relevant questions here: Do you intend to introduce the cubit as the American measure of length? Do you believe that people can literally walk on water? Are there people who can live to be 800? That prayer is an effective foreign policy? I mean, what does he think powers the atom bomb, love?

You want to save my soul, Mikey? How important is this issue to you? I'll give you the chance. Take the patented Happy Jihad Evolution Challenge. We cut your hand and infect it with a bacterium that we know easily responds to a certain antibiotic--we'll test it in a godless little petri dish and everything, if you like. You take 1/3 of the full course of antibiotics and let it get reinfected. Then you take the next third and we let that infection flare up again. We go through this, each treatment is an equivalent dose of the same antibiotic for, say, two years. You take no other antibiotics for the entire time, and we keep the entire region otherwise sterile. If you still have an arm at the end of the test, I will not only happily cast my vote for you, but I will attend the church of your choice daily for the rest of my natural life.

My faith is strong, Mike. How's yours?

HJ